i n f i n i t y

I... Can't.

2006-05-22T22:05:00.000+10:00

Only One
By YellowCard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

I've reached another breaking point in my life, where I feel as though I can't take it anymore.

No matter how many times it happens, I'll never get used to this feeling of being torn apart...

Everytime it happens... I feel as though things will never be the same. That I've been irrevocably and irreversibly changed.

But life goes on. If not for me, for everyone else in the world.

And I... I just can't take it right now. I really can't.

I can't live without... You. I just can't...

I managed to survive for a while... But I never could for too long.

Then again, life has never waited for me, and it never will.

I just realised that I'm not ready. No matter how much I want to be. I'll never be ready because I'll always feel this way.

Feel as though I am... ... ...

I guess the reasons why I have these thoughts elude me far too often.

Like I've said before,

Time waits for no man and I wait for no one.

I wish I could actually believe that for one fleeting moment.

Yea, I guess this is kind of unexpected. I never thought I'd finally post this although I have so many similar saved drafts.

There's vulnerability yet strength in revealing your heart. The double edged sword which could as swiftly kill you as save you.

My downfall and saving grace.

Hard to believe that I'm still smiling isn't it? If this is just a fraction of what goes through my mind every day.

Then again... You'll never know light without knowing darkness and you'll never know love without knowing hate.

You'll never know peace without knowing pain.

And you'll never know... how much I truly care.

Can you imagine? I didn't do a scrap of work today.

And the saddest thing is... I don't know if I care anymore.

I suspect that this blog will close after this post, and I'll make a more private one. Who knows? I might be back tomorrow deleting this post and telling you how good life is.

Who knows what the future brings?
But at this point,
I have nothing left.

[The lines grow blurry...]

Nursing more than a Sprain

2006-05-22T16:48:00.000+10:00

...

I'm not going to listen to the opinion of a person who lets society dictate what they do, who pretends to be someone else just for attention and puts people down without a second thought.

Your opinion is obsolete to me.

Go and disturb someone else, punk.

Opinions are like assholes.
Everyone has one.

[Wishing...]

ITAII!!!!

2006-05-21T23:01:00.000+10:00

Okay... the sprain that I have has turned my finger into a sausage... a blue and black sausage... By the time I got home, the wind had turned my fingertips blue and my injured finger dark purple...

It's so difficult to type with just your left hand.... Met a girl today who told me to ice it.... which is what I'm doing now...

I'll post again later once I'm done.

[Someone has the same birthday as you... Whoa...]

Whoaaaa....

2006-05-21T10:24:00.000+10:00

White Night is over!!! My gosh.... Amazing. Haha...

Although the days leading up to it were kind of stressful... I'm so glad that it's over.... But at the same time... I'm missing those stressful yet fun-filled days. Does that make sense??

Haha... Yea... And I sprained my finger in basketball and it's now three times its original size.... Twisted my knee a little during white night.... Gosh... Reminders of how wonderful it was? Hahaaa....

For the darling UL members of UL05 a.k.a. College Square, it's almost time to say goodbye as we multiply. As exciting a time as it may be, I'm sure everyone feels sad to let it go... Well, we'll DEFINITELY see each other around okay?

Because whatever happens, we're still under the same ministry in the same church with the same God.

To all those who helped out last night... Whether it be food, games, decor, set up, buying stuff.... WHATEVER! Thank you so much for helping... 'Cause there's no way that it could've been done without all the wonderful volunteers!!

Oh yea...

Special thank-yous go to...

Sanney for being such a support and pulling me aside to calm me down as I was hyperventilating.

Christine for teaching me although I'm such a terrible student.

Joey for listening in and giving us support when we (probably just I) needed it.

MeiLing for just being there...

Yan for rushing down straight after work to help clean up.

My Trinity friends who came down to have fun but at the same time brought words of comfort.

And and... My gosh, there were so many people to thank last night... but my brain just washed it away overnight...

Well I guess... Thank you God for being such a gracious and loving Father...

Amen!

[Here I go...]

Whoa....

2006-05-16T23:49:00.000+10:00

Anyhow.... Got back my creative writing assignment today!! So I can finally post it... 'cause I'm just egotistical that way...

Same Heart

Locked away behind a smile,
in a cage of one's own mind.
Oblivious to truth and to love,
yet longing to fly high above.

Taught to crave and yearn
for success, undesired, undeserved.
No one cares for the one beside,
as long as they themselves survive.

Culture defines and sets apart,
separate parts of the very same heart.
In all our perfect pretence and such,
we lose our humanity... for nothing much.

And that is pretty much all that I have learnt in Creative Writing which = to zilch, zero, nada...

Haven't learnt much, but I'm enjoying it soo sooo much... because... NO NEED TO BE ACADEMIC!! And there are NO rules and and and... well... no rules = happy Steph.

Got to sleep soon.... School tomorrow at nine...

Ja ne!

p.s. comments are highly appreciated... (I'll bake you cookies!)

[I've found someone else.]

Good. Bad. Indifferent.

2006-05-15T20:11:00.000+10:00

Well... I guess this is considered as good news.... but...

I'm getting better!! Which is good because I won't be whispering like a ghost anymore.... but bad because my appetite is back in full swing.

I'm soooo going to look like a baby elephant by July... Lolzzz

School has been as it always has been. I haven't been studying, or keeping up with my work much... Seems as though I don't have enough time although I know it's just me being lazy and procrastive (is that a word?).

Been listening to music a lot more... I think I've found some form of comfort in that again. Hopefully, it won't be as bad as last time though.

A little blurried (hmm???) today... Ran late for Chem prac and kept on sleeping in lectures.... But the biology lecture was kind of funny... With this old dude being kind of rude but.... it was interesting.

Anyway... I have to stop eating. Haha...

Cheerios!

[The good, the bad and the indifferent.]

Decisions decisions

2006-05-14T12:11:00.000+10:00

Hmmm...

I ought to stop setting myself up shouldn't I?

[Smile for me.]

200th Post

2006-05-08T22:25:00.000+10:00

Haha... I just came across this recording of mine as I was clearing the hard disk of my broken down MP3 player....

It begins with something like this...

"Okay... Now now!!!"

Piano starts playing a tune before being interrupted by a...

"WAIT!! NO NO!! NOT YET!!!"

Not sure if you'd recognise it by seeing it like this... but heck, it sounds pretty funny I think...

And it makes me smile whenever I hear it.

:)

Kind of makes me tear a little too... but hey...

There can't be sunshine without the rain right?

And I have no idea what I'm practicing for.

[Never forgotten.]

Meowr.

2006-05-07T12:53:00.000+10:00

Mouth Shut
By The Veronicas

I kept my mouth shut from the start
I guess I left you in the dark
You thought you knew me but you don't
You say you'll love me but you wont
When you find out who I am

I kept my mouth shut for too long
All this time you got me wrong
Now we're in this way too far
I'm about to break your heart
Tear everything we had apart

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore
I've had my share of closing doors
Now I know I'm not afraid
I know exactly what you'll say
But I'm sorry it's too late

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(I kept inside of me for all this time)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(Thought that I could make it work if I just tried)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(But I'm sorry to admit that I have lived a lie)

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

I kept my mouth shut for too long
Now I know that it was wrong

I wish I told you from the start
That this was never meant to last
We should've never gone this far

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore

Yep, once again... another song which I've grown to like from The Veronicas... Gosh, I like their voices.

Exams are coming but I don't feel panicked... For some strange reason.

Nothing much to comment on I guess... This week has been pretty amazing in a lot of ways, but I'm too tired to actually explain and pinpoint how each have been such a.... "Wow" moment if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, going to go catch up a little on sleep before Church...

Peace out! (Corny, I know.)

History at times repeats itself...

I hope not.

[Kept my mouth shut for too long...]

Meh.

2006-05-05T17:58:00.000+10:00

In an attempt to be NICE to my brother and not explode in his face, I shall not eat at home for the next few days.

Sigh.... The things I do for peace and quiet.

[Gee...]

Tears and smiles.

2006-05-02T23:02:00.000+10:00

Been trying to rationlize what I do everyday, this single action which causes me both confusion yet relief.

Trying to understand why I do it, even though I already know the reason.

I guess I'm just setting myself up for this. Honestly.

Anyhoooo....

Have you ever wondered what you're good at?

Like everyone around me has something they're good at and they seem to know what they're doing and where they're going...

Maybe it's because they are all so much more mature than me, this crazy 17 year old pretending to be 21.

I guess I'm still in that "soul-searching" stage, where I need to rationalize everyone and everything.

I guess that small space in my heart which was once filled by you has now had to be empty...

I miss all the people... who've come into my life and made such a huge difference... only to leave due to some reason or other.

I guess they've really shaped me up to who I am today, which although is not perfect, is someone who is no longer at a dead end.

If we were close friends once, and no longer are... I guess this is for you:

I don't know why you're no longer here,
or even where you are.
I don't know why you've left
to be away, oh so far.

Even if you're right beside me,
or a thousand miles away...
Things don't ever feel the same.
Why did they have to change?

I loved your smile,
I still do.
I loved your hugs,
made me feel warm inside.

I loved the way you drank your coffee,
bittersweet and burning.
I loved the way you sang,
funny yet sincere.

I loved those late night outings,
where I could just be myself.
I loved those times you showed you cared,
when you'd smack into me some sense.

I loved how I could call you at night
to talk for hours on end.
I loved how things were,
comfortable and fresh.

But most importantly of all,
I loved you because you were...

So you.

This is a letting go, even though things will never really change.
I loved you guys and I still do.

Just to let you know that...
if you ever need someone to call,
a shoulder to lean on,
a listening ear to share,
or a person to cry with...

I may not be your first choice...

But I'll never hang up on you.

[Please don't hang up on me.]

Your Faithfullness!

2006-04-30T23:01:00.000+10:00

Oh my goodness... Today was super duper amazing.

Baptism was awesome... So so so so so so GREAT!!! My gosh....

Thank you for all the well wishes, congratulations and wonderful prayers that all the wonderful people in City Church have given me! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Not only was the service amazing, but something crazily awesome happened when I got home!!

My Dad called to congratulate me.

I totally couldn't believe it. I didn't even hear like anything that he said after that... He actually congratulated me... Oh my goodness.

Okay, if you didn't understand what that bit was about, don't worry okay? Just know that it was extremely surprising and on the verge of becoming a miracle.

Haha... I'm very happy that I went through with it in the end, although I had a lot of setbacks in the way. I'm just... Yea, overjoyed at the moment. Seriously can't stop smiling. ^_^;;;

Anyhow, I need to get back to work!
Maybe I'll post more tomorrow.

[Thank you for all you've done.]

Finished.

2006-04-28T22:28:00.000+10:00

Done my Creative Writing Assignment and its all gone, out of my hands.

No use worrying about that anymore.

Today... Started off as a good day. Looked forward to having just two lectures where I could see my two friends from Trinity...

It was an awesome day in the 'middle' when I went for lunch and grocery shopping with Yan, followed by a shopping trip with Sanney Khoo, then dinner with the wonderful people of PlanetUNI.

Yet... I'm in such a bad mood.

Why?

Sigh...

I think I've found out what I need to deal with.

Anger.

Oh... and just for the record.

That's none of your business.

[Angry at the way I still love you.]

All Wrong.

2006-04-26T18:34:00.000+10:00

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning...

(IF you had met me today, you'd have thought that the understatement of the year.)

Okay, so today was a crap day. Felt like crap anyway... Sigh...

Getting so frustrated with so many things. I get upset over them, then I get angry, then I storm around Uni with evil slits as eyes.

Sounds familiar? Sigh...

I have my Creative Writing assignment due on Friday and I haven't been able to do it yet...

And somehow, I was watching TV, sleeping and reading a story book the moment I got home.

I realise that I actually enjoy cooking as long as no one is bugging me to finish it.

[You're the only one who could make it right.]

Tired.

2006-04-24T22:09:00.000+10:00

I've given my everything.

Yet, you ask for more.

I'm not perfect.

What am I living for?
Who am I living for?

I'm frightened that I'll never be worth it.
Although I never was.

In need of a revelation.

I'm tired of going in circles.

[I've never felt appreciated by you.]

:)

2006-04-23T22:56:00.000+10:00

Faltering,
but still...

I run.

Feeling really drained mentally. I miss Singapore a whole lot and I guess I get a little down when I think of it.

Sighs, oh well.

I'm still glad that I came... that I've been able to meet the wonderful people who've made living in Melbourne that much more interesting.

Love you guys. :)

[I won't forget.]

^_^

2006-04-21T10:51:00.000+10:00

Woohoo... Yesterday = Very interesting and wierd.

Woke up early as usual before printing all my chemistry notes for the last 4 weeks. (See, I'm such a slacker...) Then, kind of "rushed" to the library to "study" after lunch. Met up with all the hard working people from planetUNI before going to play tennis.

Let me tell ya, tennis does not mix well with rain.

Still it was kind of fun, albeit a little wet. ..

Returned back to the library to study for a little while longer, lost my handphone and found my handphone.

Went to Subway with Yan for "dinner". (She watched while I ate.) Before walking her home, stating how cute cats were and how we'd adopt a golden retriever from the RSPCA.

Yup, got to admit... It was a pretty crazy day.

Today promises to be not as crazy, with only 2 plans set so far. (Phew.) But I hope that at least I'll wake up tomorrow feeling more artistically inspired...

Been kind of dry lately... Inspirationally drained.

Praying that I'll be filled with ideas again so that I can complete my Creative Writing Assignment on time with something better than a H3.

Anyway.... Got to get down to working! No more slacking off!!

I'll post more tonight/tomorrow morning.

Till then, Ja!

[You're still on my mind.]

Post Easter thoughts

2006-04-17T16:05:00.000+10:00

Love Song
By Third Day

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

Chorus:
Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give everything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
But all of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Chorus

I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

I guess this song really does explain what Easter is about ain't it?

Love.

Service yesterday was good... For some strange reason, even though it was more of a salvation message, I found that I walked away realising something.

I finally realised why I can't let it go, why I've been in such a bad mood and why I am so affected by certain things.

I entered my longest journal entry ever last night. Quite surprising considering I was so tired.

Life was never meant to be easy, and it never will be.

Guess I have to just wait a little longer...

Just a little longer.

[I wonder if you remember.]

(Got to update SilverHope more.)

Is Something Wrong?

2006-04-15T18:27:00.000+10:00

Whoa... Today... Just a whirlwind of emotions.

Think I was too serious today... Haha, shocked a few people with my "moodiness".

No idea why though, I was actually pretty happy I guess... But yea, I do feel a little "Bleh..." today.

Maybe it's because of the day... But I don't know anything important that has happened on the 15th of April...

Do you?

[I still love the way you smile.]

Sick again?

2006-04-11T16:36:00.000+10:00

Urgh... Been feeling like crap.

Was studying for Biology Mid-Sems when I felt sick all of a sudden... Think I'm really coming down with something again.

Did the practice questions and realised that I only got about 30% of them right.... I am so screwed... Just... going to burn myself out a little tonight I guess.

[Why do I still see your face?]

Mercurial

2006-04-08T23:06:00.000+10:00

Feeling so nostalgic right now... Been feeling a little lost the past week, without old comforts and old haunts.

Feels like I'm breaking new ground... growing up.

Guess I've never been a very serious person... but I've been getting more and more serious in a way... Can't see past the face value of situations and people.

I'm losing insight for maturity. Is that a good thing?

Realised that I'm not as good as I think I am at a lot of things. Noticing all my weaknesses and finding it hard to point out my strengths. Been having this thought running through my head over and over again.

Not to mention that the sentence: "Words are cheap." Keeps on repeating in my head... Meh...

Haven't been studying or anything... Somehow I just... can't. Between thinking and doing highly energetic stuff to get myself out of the pit that I've dug for myself, there doesn't seem to be enough time for school.

I mean, what's the point of an education if you ain't got the sanity?

Haha, yea yea... that's too melodramatic.

Still, I guess I've been taking things to seriously.

Someone reminded me today...
"You know... Not everyone can see through you Steph. Heck, I've known you for how long? And I still don't know what you're thinking. All this time, you've always been smiling even though you're sad, angry and frustrated. I'm not saying that you've got to become shallow and just reveal everything for the whole world to see girl but you've got to give warning signs you know? I mean... I know you hate those kind of people so don't bite my head off just because I said it."

Am I really like that? Hahaha... I guess :)

Maybe I take some things too seriously because I've always believed in it so strongly ever since... well... ever since then.

Really miss... those times. Those were good times hey? Wherever they were...
It was then that I truly learnt it didn't matter where you were or what your situation was... Just being able to be with people who helped you up and believed that you could do it was... so amazing that nothing else really mattered.

I loved that.

I loved it that people trusted me enough to share with me... and that I could help them. I loved it that I could trust them enough and that I had someone who knew me enough to care.

I loved it that I could call them friends.

I guess things have really changed here in Melbourne. I can't seem to trust as much as I could. Can't seem to be able to share the full story rather than bits and pieces of myself.

I am in such a melancholy mood... must be the books I've been reading.

They remind me that life isn't that easy to live.

Then again... I've got Jesus on my side.

[Do you care now?]

Whoa.

2006-04-06T19:21:00.000+10:00

IT'S FRIDAY TOMORROW!!! LAST DAY OF THE WEEK!! YES YES YES!!!

Sigh... TGIF (Thank God It's Friday) is a good term. I wonder who coined it first...

Can't wait for the Easter Break... I think I really need to go for a personal retreat or something lolz....

UL last night was... Interesting to say the least. Sue Lynn's message was awesome I think... and I'm so glad that Yan came :DDD

The "after party" was even more interesting.

Lolz, it was the first time I'd honestly seen all of those UL members (who were there) acting so crazy... It was... "Interesting" Lolzzz....

Ah well... school today was all right... It seemed to pass by like a flash, which is a WONDERFUL thing!!!

Anyhow... I should stop being so immature :P

Just a thought ^_^

[I've begun to finally let you go.]

Blood and Tears

2006-04-03T22:42:00.000+10:00

I don't know why I always cry when I think of you.
Or why my blood sings for your presence.

I don't know why you mean so much.
Or why I can't forget.

I don't know why I loved you.
Or why you never cared.

Another Monday... Come and gone...

It has almost become a rhythm... Like how I'd go home and nothing would feel right.
Amazing that I've been able to separate home from school, school from church, home from church, living from life...

Numbed the pain of everything... Have been doing so for a long time I guess...
Practiced to smile so much so that it becomes normal...

Haha... I bet you guys must think I'm depressed or something... But no... I'm still smiling... Haha.

Guess I'm just really tired. That's the only time when I can't reign in my emotions.

When I'm really... really... tired.

[Dead but still breathing.]

SCORE!!!

2006-04-02T22:47:00.000+10:00

I... am...

HAPPY!!!

Amazingly enough... one of the few posts where I am actually expressing joy in some form or other... Hmmmm...

Happy, tired and smiling...

Then I realise that tomorrow's Monday... The day which I really don't like... (Monday blues??? More like Monday Blues + PMS + Coffee/Sugar High Required)

So I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my Sunday night...

[Thank you for everything.]

Crap...

2006-03-30T09:03:00.000+11:00

Ah well... something which I've been planning for a while just... collapsed.

Just goes to show how I suck at planning.

And the sad thing is, the person I was trying to plan for (cheer up) will never know... will never appreciate it and will never... understand.

Sigh... but thats how life is you know? You fall down... what are you going to do? Give up? Die?

I've always wondered who would turn up at my funeral if I died... who would cry... who would stay behind to watch them ease my coffin into my grave... who would visit my grave every once in awhile to say hi... Who would still care once they can't get anything from me?

The truth is... I know that no one will.

Wistful thinking eh?

Sigh... and things were so wonderful as well...

Then this had to happen.

I just want to go back to Singapore, curl up with a few friends on the sofa and just spill everything out.

I would have done that 2 years ago.

But it isn't who I am anymore.

The saddest thing about teenage years... is that they are the years were you "find" yourself (so to speak). It's the time when you decide who you are going to be... It's the time where you pick up fads etc which you'll stick with for most part of your life...

For some reason, I feel so much older than I am. Not in terms of knowledge or maturity, because in those categories, I'm still a 10 year old... I just feel old... because... I don't feel alive anymore.

Someone asked me yesterday... "Why do your eyes always look so dead?"

Sigh... Don't think I'm living the way I should be... Not living the way I want to either.

"Life IS about problems. They shape you up to who you're going to be... to what you are."

Yea... well, I don't really like them... I don't have to like them either.

I feel like such a spoilt brat (think about the underpriviledged in Africa)... then again, I'm allowed to feel aren't I?

Or are you going to take that away from me as well?

I think I need to go have another look at my little black book...

Then...

I'll make my decision.

[Fallen... but you don't care.]

What the!!

2006-03-28T22:52:00.000+11:00

o_o Dual posts!!! What in the world is happening!?!? OMG IS THE WORLD ENDING!?

Sadly, not yet. :)

I was just bored. Too lazy to study, too tired to practice and too full to sleep.

I love music... I really do.
Can't imagine how I'd be without it... For some reason, it just changes my mood in a snap. Right now listening to Pete Murray's So Beautiful... It's so... expressive. And I LOVE it!

Heck, I know a lot of people don't like Pete Murray... but it's just... Whoa.

Kind of sad I know, but for some reason I'm so... uncaring right now. (Okay, I have no idea how 'kind of sad' links to that...)

What's more... It's a good thing for me!!!

I guess the problem I have is I care too much? Like I care too much about appearances, about results, about... practically everything.

It's so refreshing to be able to hear something and go... "Orh.... errr... Whatever." If you understand what I'm saying...

Don't think many people would get it... but I guess if you've known me long enough, you should realise I'm pretty intense about some things.

Although I'm a self-professed slacker, I'm very serious about things that interest me or I find important in life. I guess that's why I don't really have that many friends... (Pissed off too many people with my mood swings and my reluctance to tell them why.)

Then again, it's me. I try to change, but you can't expect me to change overnight as it were...

Things don't happen overnight... but honestly, if I compare myself now to the old me... some people would call it an improvement, others a decline in personality.

Doesn't matter anymore. (See the point about the uncaring bit? Maybe it's a phase...)

Ah well... Tomorrow promises to be a stressful day. Two science tutorials, three science lectures and no one to accompany me during said classes.

Guess I got to sleep through it all again. ^_~

Anyhow... there's an important day coming up!! Which I'm not prepared for at all!!! Oh no!

Riggghtttttt. (Some people must be thinking... Since when does Steph stress out!?)

Hehe.

[You're so beautiful... but you don't know it.]

Bored...

2006-03-28T14:16:00.000+11:00

Meh... I'm just sitting here in the computer lab at Uni totally bored out of my wits... Got nothing to do, no people to see, no books to read, no inspiration to scribble and no paper to doodle.

Haven't been studying... Not really keeping up with work or friends or anything at all really. Pretty amazed as to how good I am at wasting time.

Haha, but hey... I'm not sad or anything so there's no real dilemma to worry about. I've been working at making the promise to myself come true you know?

I told a couple of people this, but I've been having really wierd dreams lately.... And they're in colour!!! What does that mean really? Anyhow... Really hope that those dreams will come to pass soon... Oh and I meant dreams as in the things you see when you sleep? Not the 'I dream of becoming sane' or something. Lolz...

Yea... Waiting on Creative Writing Lecture... Then Chemistry and Psychology Tutorials at Trinity.

Strange as it may sound... Creative Writing seems to be my favourite subject (probably due to Michelle and Clara... YOU GUYS ROCK!) at the moment... But I know that'll all change once I get my results back.... Haha.... I'm so fickle minded... Sorta. Lolz

I'm really missing all the people in Singapore right now... Wishing I had more photos with them so that I can smile at the silly yet fun times we had...

Gosh guys, I never realised I'd miss you all so much!! Even though we never really talked all that much (if at all), it was still comforting to know that I could yea??

Wish I could turn back time... Don't you?
Maybe things wouldn't be like this... Meh, I say that a lot... But it's true!!

Ah well, time to go sit in Carlton Gardens and reflect again... Haven't done that for a while...

Time to start living.

[Won't you take my hand?]

Lifted high.

2006-03-26T22:32:00.000+11:00

Lift
By Shannon Noll

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working
Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
Your life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

'Cause I know how hard it can get
But you've gotta lift
You've gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You've gotta lift
You've gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You've got to let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

You've got to lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give in
Wipe your eyes and remember you're better than this
Let them know that they took their best shot and they missed
Come on and lift

Pick up now...
Pick up now...

No idea why... but I really like this song...

=) I'm really happy... Everything just feels... Normal again.
For the first time in a while, I was crying because I was happy. (Well, I guess the onions did help a little with the waterworks.)

Ohhhh guess what! I got a long-distance call today!!! And it totally drained my entire credit for the next couple of weeks. (See la! All your fault!)

Hmmmm.... I don't really have any interesting sayings today I guess... My mind is still a little crazed over assignments... Meh...

I know how hard it can get...
But you can still lift your head.

I know you're so much stronger than this.
Show them that you can take them on!

I'm behind you all the way,
Even if you forget that I'm here...
Or forget to care.

I'll always be here praying and hoping for you.

You've got to lift yourself up,
'cause you're stronger than this.

Haha... Yep, listening to Shannon Noll too much lately. That song's stuck in my head... along with like... 2 other songs. And in the end, I keep getting them all mixed up...

Lolz, anyway... have a great week you guys! I'll try to have one myself =)

[You lift me up... Thank you.]

wha?

2006-03-21T21:25:00.000+11:00

Wow... two blogs back to back... Guess what I'm doing!!!

P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-I-N-G

I am super screwed.... want to know why?

Two assignments due on Friday afternoon.

Extremely backwards with my work in all my subjects, especially Chemistry and Psychology.

Torn between two extreme choice right now although I don't actually have to choose yet. Someday I won't have that fortune though, I've got to decide soon and I don't like making decisions. Although something did happen today to help me decide...

A little depressed because... -quiet mumblings which no one can hear-

Lastly... I'm sick.

So... maybe not super screwed? But somewhere near there.

I know I wanted to post something but I can't remember it right now. I will once I remember... once my brain reverts back from the melted mush it currently is.

[I knew, but I couldn't help loving the sunshine.]

Silly old me.

2006-03-20T20:28:00.000+11:00

We were from opposite ends of society
Brought up as differently as the East and the West
Yet, it was you who taught me loyalty
And how to finally learn to rest

Even though we may be far away now
Like the sun and the moon
Always remember that some time soon
I will come to find you

For at dawn we met
And at dusk I come

Once together
Never apart

Okay, before you guys start commenting or getting wierd thoughts that I'm love sick or something, it has got no relevance to love whatsoever.

It's just something I thought of while doing my Creative Writing Assignment, and is purely written out of boredom... as well as some feeling of longing (NOT LOVE SICK!).

Trust me, it wasn't meant to be rhyming... so don't comment about it being a poem because it was just something typed out from an idea and a little thing called procrastination.

I can't wait for the holidays... and its only been a month.

Bleh.

[Broken this fragile thing now...]

Living. Breathing. Loving.

2006-03-17T17:01:00.000+11:00

Never Meant To Fail
By Alex Lloyd

Something I'm feeling
There's something that's wrong
These streets are a feeling
In the early morn
The wars of last night
These wounds will not heal
If we keep believing
Then we gotta feel

As it goes
By the story that's already told
Comes a time when we all must let go

What happened to the story
Discontented cuts inside
It's not meant to be this lonely
We were never meant to fail

Something that's crawling
In my skin
Emotions are falling
As it begins
I lost all my virtues
Long ago
I didn't wanna hurt you
But now i know

As it goes
By the story that's already told
Comes a time when we all must let go

What happened to the story
Discontented cuts inside
It's not meant to be this lonely
We were never meant to fail

Never meant to fail
Never meant to fail

As it goes
By the story that's already told
Comes a time when we all must let go

What happened to the story
Discontented cuts inside
It's not meant to be this lonely
We were never meant to fail

We were never meant to fail
We were never meant to fail
We were never meant to fail
We were never meant to fail

Yes! I am alive!

That cool with everyone? Cool.

Was just listening to all my old songs when I came across this one...
I remember how I used to listen to it almost non-stop... just because the words meant so much to me.

You know how you go through a point of time thinking that you're a failure? Especially when you're alone and it doesn't seem as though anyone cares?

It's so true when they say that misery loves company.

This reminded me that I ain't alone in what I feel I guess. Even now in Uni, when I feel alone... I'm reminded that there are others who feel the same way.

Except that they don't have any good memories like I do...

I guess we tend to always remember the bad things that happened... but after you filter through your life, you realise that there have been some beautiful times full of laughter and smiles.

As you can tell, I almost live for those times... with people around me whom I can trust.

Then again... being thrown back into Melbourne, I've realised that those times are past. It can never go back to those days. They can't change back to the people they were... and I can't stay waiting forever for them to come back.

Confusing? Its not supposed to be this way.

I kind of wish I stayed on in Singapore to do JC... I know I say this quite a fair bit...

Maybe things would've been different...

But I guess, I can't go on living this way.

You can fill an entire lifetime with 'what ifs' or you can forget about it and just move on.

If you want to survive...
you gotta keep running.

This is just a reminder to myself.

To keep living.
To keep breathing.
To keep loving...

No matter how difficult it gets or how painful the memories.
No matter how tired I am, or how much I want to leave it all.
No matter how hurt I am or how broken I become.

Because I don't live for myself.

What meaning is there to live for... that?

As torn and tattered I am, I'm still the flag which flies above.
And one day, the rope will snap and I'll be gone... gone into the sky.

No one will miss me then, but it's okay.
No one will remember me... but then again... they never did anyway.

As long as... one person sees me for what I truly am.
Understands why I do the things I do...
Smiles at me despite my brokeness.

I'll keep loving... so that they won't become like me.

[I won't give up, so don't tell me to.]

2006-03-11T23:25:00.000+11:00

You know... I really don't know why people always think I have an ulterior motive.

Honestly. Am I THAT different to any other person that they've known in their lives? Am I?

You know... There isn't much to me at all.

I may think a lot, and may be "mysterious"... but I'm not all that deep.

That's not much to Stephanie Tan. I'm just a girl trying to make sense of it all.

Yea, I may have different defense mechanisms than "normal" people but it doesn't make me any less human.

Oh, and in case you're wondering.... I'm not writing this specifically to any person... Nope, not at all.

Because you see, I don't understand why people want something from me which I can't give. You want to know about my life? Ask away, I'll answer. You want to know how I feel? It's probably obvious on my face anyway...

And after you've gotten all the answers... you ask for more. You say... "There's no way that Stephanie is JUST THAT! There's got to be more! Why aren't you telling me?"

Well... bad news to all those out there who want to know more about me... there's nothing much to me in the first place.

Oh, and those who are there who DON'T want to know me... keep your sarcastic remarks and cynisisms to yourself okay?

Yea, I do spend a lot of my time thinking... but it isn't exactly on very deep and provoking thoughts like "Where do I fit in all of this?" or "Why do live to die?" and all that stuff.

I have no idea why you all think that there's something more to me, because there isn't...

So... stop asking.

Tell you what, to make it all up to the people who feel disappointed that I'm just an empty, shallow girl with no true knowledge whatsoever... I'll post a little work of mine all right?

This has been in my little black book for awhile now. The one where I keep most of my thoughts in... and just to show you how shallow I am... I shall tell you now.

Only about 20 pages have been filled out of the 3 years that I've had it.

Anyway, enjoy this bit of writing because it's probably the only thing I'll ever post from there.

__________________________________________________

I'm running.
That's all I can remember doing.

I've been running so long that... I've forgotten where I am running to.
Lost all direction... lost it long before I even began wondering.

It's raining.
That's all I can remember feeling.

On my skin... cold and unrelenting, it falls.

What am I doing?
What am I doing out here in the rain?
What am I doing alone?

A sudden noise frightens me, and I run even faster.
The pounding of feet behind me alerts me to another presence. The increase of its volume and frequency warn me of its proximity.

I turn a corner hoping to escape, but I run into a dead end. Too late, the other appears before me as I spin around.

It's a girl. That much I could tell. Her face is familiar yet alien at the same time. She seems to be around my age, yet I am filled with the knowledge that she is not as juvenile as she looks.

She scares me.

I back away from her, pressing against the wall of the short alley. Bags of rubbish spill noxious liquid but I don't care. I am repulsed back into the filth… into the depths of my heart.

That's what it's like, my heart.

Stained, tainted... dirty. My very soul feels soiled… covered in grime and filth.

It defines me.

The girl that scares me steps closer, hands outstretched in a sign of peace. Still, I back away...

How many people have done so before her? How many had offered me a cure for my pain, a haven from my sickness?

They had done so only to tear up the false niceties of their words and reveal the evil intention behind the lie.

I could no longer bear for something like that to happen. I was sick of it.

Still, I was drawn to her... this girl who seemed older than she was, who seemed wise and understanding.

I want to trust. Want to love. Want to be loved.

These thoughts fill my mind even as she kneels down right in front of me. She brushes the wet hair from my face, fingers trailing down my cheeks.

Then, she smiles and all the doubts fade from my mind.

This girl... no... this lady made the sunshine come back again.

I’d do anything to keep that sunshine.

Anything.

_________________________________________________________

2 days after I wrote that, I regret having ever penned it down. Regret having ever opened up my vile, vicious self to someone who deserved so much more.

Just goes to show that the sunshine will never be there... when you need them the most.
The darkness of the storm in all it's frightening noise and overpowering nature... is the only thing that will be able to help you through, provided that you have the faith to let it go and just fall.

I've never had that problem because I have always been on the lowest level anyway.

Hope you liked that. It ain't exactly good english but heck...

I was probably crying when I wrote it.

[I hope you're still shining, because you never shine around me anymore.]

Sort of pointless post.

2006-03-03T22:18:00.000+11:00

HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Baka.

You never knew how I felt did you?
Then again, you never asked nor seemed to care.

When you told me that one starry night, I thought things were going to be okay.
We could finally move on...

And... all of a sudden, you just turned your back on me.

You have no idea how that felt.

[Sometimes I just want to tell you how I feel.]

Fed up.

2006-03-01T19:20:00.000+11:00

Okay... I am just going to spill out a whole bunch of things which have been bothering me for a pretty long time now. It has been adding to my frustrations with Uni, and such a distraction and irritation even when (especially) when I go to Church. It just freaking bothers me.

I have no idea what your problem with me is, honestly. Yea, I know you're probably pissed at me for a couple of reasons but let me just tell you...

I doubt you really understand why I was not in a very good mood that day. Truth be told, I was going through a very difficult week. Full of decisions which could change me... change my life.
I wasn't in a good mood because I couldn't take the pressure anymore... That was the first reason why I even agreed to go out in the first place... and even when I went, I was so distracted all the way. Even you should have noticed that.
I walked out into the rain because I needed time to think, and I love the sea, the waves... It calms me more than anything else in the world.
So when you interrupt that moment, I guess it did affect me to a certain extent. Before that moment, I was perfectly fine with you.
And it ticked me off even further when you asked one of the stupidest questions (to me) ever.

The world doesn't revolve around you. I'm sure you'd understand that by now. No one gives a rat's ass even if you don't anyway. Just because I was upset and on the edge doesn't necessarily have EVERYTHING to do with you. It's like saying the world exists for you. Honestly.

I have my reasons for being upset... and even without those reasons... I'm not exactly the nicest of people. In fact, I'm quite a bitch at times (or most of the time, depending on who you ask).

Truthfully though, I can tell you right now that I harbour no grudge or ill will against you.

It just burns me everytime I pray for forgiveness of my sins because it feels as though it will never come... because I can't let it go.

I've been so frustrated lately. Because of Uni... because of friends... because people need to release their burdens and I can't reject them.

I can't reject them because I don't want others to rejeect me.

If you don't understand, it doesn't matter honestly.

I don't even know if you still read this blog.

But whatever it is, I can only say one thing right now.

If you still want this friendship to work... You're going to be the one to initiate it.

Right now, I've already opened myself up to you. I'm giving you the opportunity to either accept or reject the offer which I'm making to you now.

I can't promise that we'll ever be close... but I can promise that I'll try my best to be a friend to you.

I'm tired of waiting and wondering... just because of a stupid day in Singapore.

Anyway... yea. I wanted to let this out. Let it go... because I realised that I couldn't, that it was so difficult to do.

But there's only one thing I should hold onto in this world... and this grudge, this memory ain't it.

So... I'm done.

"I understand how you feel...
I understand why you won't let me help you...

I guess it really hurt when I rejected you,
even though I didn't mean to.

Then again... you hurt me too.
Although you never realised it.

Each word you spoke that day...
hurt me more than you...
could have ever imagined.

So I'll let you go...
in the very same way
that...
you forgot me...

All for another."

"What is love...
can you truly say
that you loved me?

Or was it something born
out of loneliness
and our immaturity...
our innocent natures?"

"Whatever it was...
Forget about it.

Because I can't heal you...
only she can.

Goodbye...
I'll see you around."

[It hurts me whenever I see you.]

Calm...

2006-02-24T19:21:00.000+11:00

Today... was a good day...

Because I finally managed to fix up my timetable and do everything that I was supposed to do since Wednesday but wasn't able to due to some reason or other.

I guess that a normal day would be a good day, just because how shitty I've been feeling lately.

No idea why, I just keep on getting upset over the smallest things... Maybe it's the heat... or the idea that I'm on my own now...

Just.... Such a bad mood lately.

Honestly, just a feeling really bad/angry/upset/bothered/frustrated/depressed...

It's just been negative feelings day after day after day... and today was a really uplifting day... being able to talk to old friends who I hadn't managed to and realising that I'm not totally on my own....

It was...

...a good day.

[Trying to live without you.]

Bad day.

2006-02-23T21:20:00.000+11:00

Yup. I admit... I was feeling shitty the whole day.

And congratulations all the lovely people who met me today... you managed to experience me when I'm in a really shitty mood!!

If you still thought I was nice, I'm glad you're as thick skinned as you are!

Want to know WHY I'm in a shitty mood?!

Well... Let's say you're on pretty good terms with a few people. You've talked to them on private matters, at times even shed tears with them...

And one day... one beautiful... fine... SCORCHINGLY HOT day...

You have no idea what is happening... no @#*%ing idea about what the @#*%ing hell is happening...

And you're in total suspense... wanting to ask what's happening, yet at the same time trying to give them space and time..

And guess what... they don't care how you feel :)

To them.... you don't exist.

No matter how long you've volunteered to help them...
No matter how much time you've put into talking to them...
No matter how much effort you've put in... given your all into...

They don't give a damn.

And guess what?!!?!

It didn't happen once.... oh no no no...

It didn't happen even twice...

It happened THREE times today with three DIFFERENT groups of people...

And guess where that ended me?

In a really shitty mood.

Oh, and if you don't see me for the next few days...

Maybe you should count it as a blessing.

Everyone else does.

I never should have tried.

Because in the end...

I just end up broken again.

Don't start something you can never finish.

[Only You could make me whole.]

It's time to let go...

2006-02-22T08:07:00.000+11:00

I know I have to let go... but I never realised it would be this difficult.

Never realised how much effect you had on me.
Never realised how much I needed you by my side.
Never realised how much you meant to me.

You never realised how much you meant...
You never realised how much I needed you...
You never realised how much I loved you...

Then again, neither did I... till it was too late to save anything.

Just got to let it go...
... so that I can finally face this world...

...on my own...
...yet...
...not alone.

[Drowning without You.]

Dead.

2006-02-20T23:32:00.000+11:00

View From Heaven
By YellowCard

I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
Fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride
With you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life

Late night drives
All alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines
From all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singing, life just ain't fair
But sometimes I still just can't
Believe you're gone

[chorus]
And I'm sure the view from Heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in Heaven
Then we will make it through
One more year, down here

Feel your fire, when it's cold in my heart
And things sorta start reminding me
Of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too

[chorus]

You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye

[chorus]

I hope that all is well in Heaven
Cause it's all shot to hell down here
I hope that I find you in Heaven
Cause I'm so lost without you down here

You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye

Just like the song says... Really feels as though it sums everything up from my return to Melbourne... About 80% of it feels as though it was written specifically for me... But I know that I'm not the only one who's feeling these kind of feelings...

Doesn't really stop me from feeling really alone though.

Maybe that's why I blog... to let other people in... Without being personal about it.

I'm just so tired...

Oh... and I think I'll just stop being such an irritant and a burden.

[Still, I hang on.]

^_^

2006-02-18T11:31:00.000+11:00

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Quite true huh?

[The past is over.]

Eh?

2006-02-08T22:53:00.000+11:00

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

My eyes... ARE brown!!!

See... the things I do when I'm lazy to pack.

[So close... yet so far.]

Blind

2006-02-03T02:55:00.000+11:00

I don't particularly enjoy being made a fool of.

Not like you care...

As long as you have your fun... right?

Sigh... I'm too tired to try to dissuade you anymore...

[You never realised... how much I care...]

Fallen.

2006-01-31T03:56:00.000+11:00

Sigh... Been having a little problem the last few days...

Feeling so edgy... and defensive.

I get angry over the smallest of things and I end up just breaking down over it...

I hold it in... till I'm alone...

Grab a pillow and scream my lungs out...

But for some reason... it isn't really helping today.

I get angry at my family... especially my second brother and my uncle...

I just can't stand them... ARGH!!!! (@&#@)(*#)@&^#(@!&#(*!&#)*(#@&*#^!&*%#*&(@!%

Even my friends at times... They just... irk me.

I know I ain't perfect... I know I'm not exactly really smart... I know I don't deserve to go to Australia... I know I'm a "loser"... I know this... and a whole lot more because people don't even give me the chance to forget...

It's just... "Stephanie is so silly... Stephanie is so dumb... Omg Steph why did you do that?... Can you do this for me? WHY NOT?... Such a spoilt brat... I bet she's just throwing a tantrum again... See, sending her overseas just made her worse... OMG! It's a solar eclipse! Oh woops... It was just Steph."

Yea... you may think I'm an inhuman robot...

Just because people don't show their emotions doesn't mean that what you did didn't hurt them... Just because they like to keep to themselves doesn't mean you can push them down either.

URGH!!!! CAN'T TAKE IT!!!

Was so close to strangling my brother just now... F*cking ASSHOLE!

Sigh...

I know I'm just going to delete this post in a few days because I realise that I was just throwing a "bitch fit"...

So.. Yea...

[You would never do what I'd do for you.]

The Crossing of Paths

2006-01-27T01:53:00.000+11:00

Life's moving on as usual... Nothing much happening I guess...

Pretty bored out of my mind, with barely anything to do...

I guess... Just feeling really lonely... and the fact that I have an irritating guy almost driving me crazy every day is not really helping much...

I kind of wish that I was back in Australia, in Trinity...

I would've changed a lot of things that have happened... Would've been more... I don't know... Observant of my surroundings?

Guess I'm really so blur... and never actually realised a lot of things till they were pointed out to me quite directly...

Maybe I'm still too immature... still so... oblivious to the pain and suffering in the world...

Saw this old lady sitting on the sidewalk... trying to sell tissue paper to people who felt that life was too important to even buy just one packet...

But I guess... what they didn't understand... and what I myself didn't understand is that....

She has a life too... which depends on others to exist...

When I expressed my thoughts... my mum told me...

"What are you going to do? That lady could very well be me some day... Are you going to take care of me? Would you be willing to support a crippled and useless old woman?"

"There's nothing you can do now... but work hard. If you work hard and do well enough... you'll be able to help people like her... and teach others to do the same."

I guess.... that really struck me today... you know?

That someday... our family won't be with us anymore...

Our parents won't be around... and in some cases, they are already gone...

Then it hit me then and there...

One day it'll be our generation's turn too...

Everyone I know... The people I grew up with... The people I love... The people who've lent me a shoulder to cry on... The people who've stood by me... The people who've spoken up for me... The people who I care so so so deeply for...

They'll be gone.... someday... sometime...

I'm not saying that they'll die before me or something but...

I guess, our paths will just stop crossing...

It's so apparent to me now... after Trinity... when I see so many of my friends going different paths than the one I'm about to start travelling on...

I always thought that... we'd be together for longer than a year... Just a year wasn't enough to me... It was way too short...

Even after University... I look at my friends and know that... we'll seperate some time or another....

And it really saddens me I guess...

I've already kind of grown used to having them around... Missing the stupid jokes or warm smiles which they would sometimes shower upon me...

It sounds kind of selfish I know... but... I wish that things could have lasted a little longer... Just... a little while longer...

Because I've only just learnt how to appreciate them.

Sigh... Me being all sappy again.... Haha...

Guess it must come with growing up yea?

Ja.

I do anything for our paths to cross once again...

Anything...

[Missing You has almost become part of who I am.]

Far Away

2006-01-20T18:16:00.000+11:00

Far Away
By Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Life's been all right to me... Decided to stop playing computer games so often, trying to cut down on the addiction... Going to be serious about studying.

Last few days have been... Interesting and eye-opening really.

Then again, a lot of things have been happening... some of which are frustrating and irritating.

So... Time to take things seriously.

I've finally realised that...
...I loved you...
...and I still do.
But I guess it's too late...
...be happy sweetie.

It's too late to change the past...
... time to focus on the present.

[You're so far away.]

Running....

2006-01-16T16:13:00.000+11:00

I always end up running away...
Covering my ears... with tears falling down my face.

I never wanted to hear the harsh truth,
but there you were... Telling me everything.

I don't want to know why...
I don't want to be hurt anymore.
I don't want to hurt anyone any longer...

Just stop me from running...

Show me that you care.

Somehow, I always end up running away from everything...

.. and it's so hard...

... not to look back.

[Running away from you.]

Boo!

2006-01-14T18:26:00.000+11:00

As promised, my next post... Haha...

The holidays have been such a blast really... Lots of things happening... Meeting up with old friends and new ones... Getting to know all of them better and just generally learning to accept people for who they are.

It ain't easy to smile all the time... but its so much more worth it than being... moody ya know?
I'm glad that I came back.

I realise that I can never resist those smiles which says thank you, please and I love you all at once... its just so wierd.

Nah, I'm not love struck at all so don't get your hopes up all-you-people-who-want-to-see-me-attached!

Haha, it's just really heart-warming to see people who're associated with different parts of my life...

In other words...

People who've made a difference, who've given me awesome memories and who've taught me the true value of love and friendship.

When I went to Australia I kind of threw all those away, because I always hated my past and myself... but I'm glad that I have met you guys, all those here in Singapore and back in Australia.

Even if I knew you for only a day, you have made a difference to me.

Sounds really cheesy huh? I think I've been reading too many mushy romance novels... I'm turning into such a hopeless romantic eh?

Haha, anyway...

I can't wait to go to Australia... but I can't wait to come back again.

Because both places...

... have made homes in my heart.

[I love you.]

Hai...

2006-01-11T11:07:00.000+11:00

Can't imagine... Almost a week has passed since I last posted...

Time's been passing in a flash of friends, family... Lunches, dinners and all meals in between... Rollerblading and walking along the seaside... Sleeping in and waking early... From Tampines to Jurong East.... From Clark Quay to Aljunied...

It's been a hectic week... Filled with a lot of things...

But I guess the most important thing to me is that I learnt a little more about myself... Understanding how different I am now... And treasuring the things that I've lost I guess...

It's been fun so far... A few mishaps here and there... Klutzy old me falling down so many times... as usual.

But... this time... it's different.

Because there are people who're willing to pick me up...

...and push me on...

Sigh... I never would have thought that the answer I've always been searching for would be right in front of me in the oddest of situations and in the people that I'd never have thought to look in.

Does that make sense? Maybe my english is deteriorating....

Anyway... I will post again some time real soon... Latest Saturday... I'm so tired right now.

Cheerios.

You don't get it... But it's okay.
Because it never really bothered me.

[Appreciating the beauty of the storm.]

I believed in you...

2006-01-05T17:48:00.000+11:00

Taking Over Me
By Evanescence

You don't remember me but I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream, and dream I do

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you
To live, to breathe, you're taking over me

Have you forgotten all I know and all we had
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand
I knew you loved me then

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you
To live, to breathe, you're taking over me

I look in the mirror and see your face
If I look deep enough
So many things inside that are just like you are taking over

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you
To live, to breathe, you're taking over me

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you
To live, to breathe, you're taking over me

You're taking over me
You're taking over me

[You've become just a memory to me.]

It's all over.

2006-01-04T18:49:00.000+11:00

Hai, happy new year...

May you all have a wonderful year ahead full of blessings and love. 2006 should be the year of fulfilled goals ne? Where things finally change, and when things are finished.

Yes. The year of the end.

Take care sweeties.

[Don't worry. I don't hate you.]

What's the point?

2005-12-28T00:00:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I really wonder what things would have been like if I never went to Melbourne.

Would I be happier now?
Would things have changed?

I wonder what's wrong with me... Why am I becoming someone I despise?

Why am I reverting back to my old self?

I keep on thinking... That I wish things hadn't changed.
It just keeps coming back into my mind... All these what ifs...

What if I had never left?
What if I had not decided to start afresh?
What if I had never let go?

Would I be happier now?

I know that the answer is definitely no but... Why? Why can't I just forget about it all!? Why!?

Is it just me?

Why do I care so much for you?! And why don't you care?!

I don't know... I feel like I'm going to explode...

So many things are bothering me and I don't know what I can do to change it...

Just got to...

[Why can't I understand?]

Merry Christmas...

2005-12-25T04:34:00.000+11:00

Merry Christmas to all, hope you guys have had a great holiday yea?

Disappointed... at a lot of things...

This is what you get for having too high expectations... Disappointment.

[I can't even look myself in the mirror.]

Wake up call?

2005-12-22T17:05:00.000+11:00

Heyo everyone... Anyway... Just a notice today...

A friend of mine decided to set up a blog for inspirational stories, quotes and thoughts etc...

And he invited me to join too... So, I guess I'm just opening up the offer to anyone whom I know...

The blog is kind of meant for all our friends who want to contribute by posting their own words of advice etc to everyone else out there...

It's kind of like a "we're there to support you!" blog... Because both of us were kind of tired of people telling us that life sucks etc...

So I guess, it's about showing others and even ourselves(when we're really down) about the beauty of life.

It's just an invitation for you guys if you wish to contribute, and like... Yea.

Because I don't think the two of us can do it alone.

Oh, that blog address is Silver of Hope

If you want to check it out.

[Changing the world one person at a time.]

Random thought.

2005-12-20T13:35:00.000+11:00

You know, I was just thinking about it as some people presented me with their problems... And... Well... I couldn't stop thinking about it and just had to express this extremely random thought.

The thing about life is that...

It's impossible to bear if you take it all at one shot.

Okay, confused yet?

Can you imagine, worrying about your life 10 years from now?

Honestly, I can't even stand worrying about my life a week from now... It's just depressing and creepy most of the time o_o;;

The thing is, God has already solved that problem for you...

He separated your life into days.

Take things each day as they come, because it's already sectioned specially for you.

I'm not saying don't plan for the future... Or don't study for your exams.... (Well I don't really do that anyway.)
But just... Let it go.

When a day has passed, and someone does something against you... Let it go.

You can't worry about the past, present AND the future your whole life... You'd just get lots of white hair. (And we all know you don't want that... Especially the ladies out there.)

So you know... Take it a day at a time.
It may be difficult to do... and even seem impossible right now.

But just take life a day at a time...

Step by step.
Inch by inch.
Because...
If you take too many steps down the stairs,
you're going to trip and fall.

Then again, don't be afraid to fall.

Because there will always be people there...

... to pick you up and push you on.

[Sigh... Why do you do this to me?]

Cursed.

2005-12-19T02:25:00.000+11:00

Staying home for long periods of time has caused me to become anti-social, irritable and frustrated.

Ignore my sudden outbursts because I'm not exactly very sane right now.

Then again, no one thinks I ever was.

Wow, great going Steph.

[The two of you irritate me.]

Gone.

2005-12-15T02:47:00.000+11:00

Sigh...

I feel so empty...
pointless...
useless...
pathetic...

I'm not what I could be.
I'm not what I should be.
And the worse thing is...

I can't make myself care.

I miss you.

[Do you feel the same way?]

Re-climatizing...

2005-12-14T00:36:00.000+11:00

Getting used to some things back home...

Getting used to having no air-conditioning in my room...
Getting used to being made fun of everyday...
Getting used to restrictions again...

On a lighter note...

Getting used to waking up and realising that people still care...
Getting used to looking across the road at Christine's house...
Getting used to spending time just quietly doing nothing...
Getting used to playing with my dogs...

I guess... I'm just accepting things as they are because there isn't much I can do to change things...

So...
Making it worthwhile.

[You make it all worthwhile.]

...

2005-12-08T03:12:00.000+11:00

I return to find my bed in a mess,
my room turned into a storage compartment,
my fan and air-conditioner broken,
my valued personal items gone,
and my computer destroyed.

Oh joy, how wonderful it is to be back.

I honestly cannot move anywhere other than a small path towards my bed because it is filled with my brother's junk... Oh, and did I mention that he bought a new computer? And all his computer games are strewn over my table and floor?

My bed is in a huge mess, covered in dust and disgusting to even think of sleeping in.

It's like I never existed.
Like no one cared if I came back.
Like I'm nothing.

Maybe I should have stayed in Melbourne,
because I don't want to deal with this.

[Now I know... what you are.]

150th post?

2005-12-05T11:36:00.000+11:00

Yesterday... Was the most amazing, wonderful, surprising and touching birthday I've had... Ever.

I can't believe it... All the time and effort you guys put in...

Just want to thank everyone who was there in the morning...
Christine, MeiLing, Shauna, Maureen, TJ, Eelin, Scott, Jeremy, Jono Lim, Ben, Joanne, Tricia, Amelea, Darren, Joey, XiaoXi, Adrena, Charles, KJ and Shalini.

I really couldn't believe that you guys actually woke up early on a Sunday morning... I was so shocked... And yes, I was screaming "WAH LIEW!!!!" a lot...

Man... I was in total shock for most of the day, seriously...

A real special thanks to Christine and MeiLing who planned it!!! You evil evil people!!!
I was sooooo angry with Christine who "cancelled" out on me on the last moment... And then you make me feel so bad by doing such a wonderful thing for me... Man... Playing with my conscience!!!

Thanks to everyone who remembered! And thank you to everyone who made my day such a special one...

It was... Such a perfect day.

From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you.

[Thank you, for loving me.]

Learning to love again.

2005-12-03T11:19:00.000+11:00

I realise I've been deleting a lot of posts recently... Doesn't really matter though, since none of the two people I directed the last post to have read it yet.

So... This is the replacement post I guess...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Over the mountains and the seas
You river runs with Love for me
And I will open up my heart
And let the Healer set me free

I'm happy to be in the Truth
So I can daily lift my hands
And I will always sing
Of when Your Love came down...

I could sing of Your Love forever...
I could sing of Your Love forever...
I could sing of Your Love forever...
I could sing of Your Love forever...

I was... reading my friend's blog when this song just popped into my head...

I guess, I've been holding too many grudges recently and channeling all that into frustration and anger which I direct at anyone who comes my way...

This song... Holds a lot of history for me... and it really does mean a lot to me...

Especially the line...
And I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free...

I guess it's because I've never really truly opened up to anyone before... Not even to Jesus.
And He's the only one who can Heal me... Heal me on the inside.
And in that healing... He sets me free.

I guess I never really thought much about the lyrics until today... Until now...

I never really thought much about it until I was on the edge, ready to crumble.

Our God works in the most mysterious of ways, amen?

He's teaching me how to Love again.

[I will sing of Your Love forever...]

Hmmm?

2005-11-29T23:39:00.000+11:00

Exams are over...

Time to go back to Singapore...

...

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK >_<

I just... I don't know. I'm going to miss everyone here so much... And even if they're Singaporean, we probably won't meet up much 'cause they'll be busy with other friends and such...

Feel kinda lonely at the moment... Probably because I feel so... I don't know... Friend-less?

I mean, not that I have no friends... But like, it's so difficult just to arrange one day where we're both free and can go out... And it feels kinda sad...

That...

After next Tuesday... Trinity will be over.

I'll never see some people ever again.

Never get to joke and laugh with them.
Never get to go out with them.
Never get to sing songs as I walk down the street with them.
Never get to go to KokoBlack and get high on chocolate.
Never get to run around Melbourne at 3am in the morning.
Never get to sit at Carlton Gardens and chat for 2++ hours.
Never get to study with them and eat in the library... (Secretly)
Never get to stay over and make ready-mixed pancakes.
Never get to go out for breakfast at Paragon.
Never get to go RollerBlading at St. Kilda...
Never get to go Freddo's and rush to be the first customer.
Never get to learn how to sing...
Never get to...

Man... So many things that I'm going to miss...
I don't want to go back to painful memories... Although that's all they are...
Memories.

I wish that... I could've met everyone I know here under different circumstances...

I wish that... Our time together wasn't as short as it is now...

I wish that... We could sit at Carlton Gardens again... Under the stars... Eating our gelati and just talk...

I don't know... But, I feel as though Carlton Gardens holds so many wonderful memories for me...

Melbourne holds so many wonderful memories...

I'm going to miss it here...
And I'm going to miss the people...

I think I might cry at Valedictory... I really will...

Sigh...

Please keep in contact kay?
Because...

I'm really going to miss you.

[I love you too much to let go.]

Huh?

2005-11-26T19:06:00.000+11:00

You know what?...

I have exams on Tuesday and I just spent this entire Saturday in a room blasting heavy rock music and doodling on blank pieces of paper...

And you know what the best thing is?

I don't really care.

The World is Black.

[Stab me and watch me bleed.]

Eh?

2005-11-25T21:50:00.000+11:00

Just deleted the last 5 posts because they don't really serve any purpose at all other than to rant and complain and bitch in vague terms...

Since that's out of my system...

One last paper to go. Yupp. One more and I'm done for the year.

Congratulations Steph, you made it out of Trinity alive.

Yippee?

Haha... Honestly, I don't really feel any better knowing Trinity is coming to an end.

It'll probably be the last time I'll ever see a lot of people who I've grown to know and love to a restricted extent.

It feels like... kind of a waste right now really...

Did I just go through this entire year to come out almost the same as when I went in?

Yes... I have grown a little... Matured to something which I consider an improvement...

Yet... After these last few days... Ever since... Sometime during the exams...
I realise that I'm still the same.

I still use the same defence mechanisms when I feel threathened.
I still do the same things when I feel stressed.
I still fall back on false hopes.

In so many aspects... I feel the same.

The burden was lightened for a while... but I just slipped back into the old way of doing things... And it just became worse.

I guess I've just given up... I thought... Why bother to be nice if everything's going to happen the same way it happened back then... If it happened once, it can happen to you again right?

I don't know.

Well... I guess... I have learned something since coming here then...

I've learned that I can change.

[And I'll be... Your crying shoulder...]

Smile?

2005-11-09T13:54:00.000+11:00

Haha... I realise that I've been posting a lot... and the last post was actually supposed to be my newest post for at least a couple of weeks because I like it a lot... Amazing revelations like that don't come to me very often ^_^;;. But... My fingers are just itching to have a workout. :)
_______________________________________________

Just been thinking about the past few days... About certain things people have said to me?

Sometimes, we need someone to rebuke us in order for us to continue on with our life?

I'm glad that I have some friends who I know I can talk to... And I can call them without feeling a sense of dread in my heart.

Sometimes, people say things that sting... And we often hold on to those words?

Then, once we realise that we are holding onto those things, we try to let go... And when we realise that we can't... We just start blaming ourselves.

"Why am I so pathetic? Can't even get over that simple joke..." Or... "How could I ever have taken them seriously? I mean... It's just all fun and games. Why do I keep spoiling the fun?"

When we have these thoughts... We say... "Oh why? Why why why?"

We may feel as though it's self-condemnation... But honestly, it's just self-pity.

I mean... Just let it go and move on!

Even if you use up 2 weeks just thinking about that single time, what can it accomplish? You'll just be 2 weeks behind everyone else.

Because you're living in the past.

Honestly, I do that a lot too... Constantly. Like every single day, every single moment.

Then, my friends rebuke me for feeling this way... and I usually take that rebuke the wrong way.

But I realise that if they hadn't rebuked me, I'd probably have never moved on?

Things happen... And we are often self-centered.

Self-pity has many forms... But honestly I tell you.

The past in gone.
You can't change the present...
But you can change the future.

I know this applies to me too... To stop thinking so much...

The past is the past. It can never change. Never be eradicated...

I know that we all have done things in the past that we regret, that we wish we could have changed.

We carry that regret, that frustration with us everywhere...

It's a weight on our shoulders, a nagging feeling at the back of our minds.

Let me tell you.

Instead of feeling as though your past... Your life was a waste, a total mistake...

Be thankful that you are who you are today.

We are defined, to a certain extent, by our past.

Not defined as in labeled a "liar" or "thief" although we have done those things before...

But our character is defined.

Now, I'm kind of glad that I didn't exactly have the perfect childhood.

Because if I did...
I wouldn't be as strong a person as I am today.

I know that I'm not exactly a very strong person, and I am considered emotionally, mentally and spiritually quite weak...

But at least I can help people.
At least I can make people laugh...

At least I can help people to smile.

I felt the sudden urge to blog about this... When I saw the most beautiful sight...

I love to take pictures of nature... I mean, it always reminds me of how wonderful our God is? And what a beautiful world He's made...

But then I realised something else...

The thing that I find most precious in this world... The most beautiful thing which I love absolutely most of all...

Is when...

I see your smile.

I just love to see my friends smile.

I only realised it earlier today...
How estatic I felt when I saw a certain someone smile.

I'm not talking a cynical, an evil or a sarcastic smile...

I mean a true smile. A smile that people don't even know they're smiling until you point it out to them.

A smile that people can't control.

It's just so beautiful...

"The Joy of the Lord is my strength."

I forgot which verse that is... But it is so true...

He rejoices when the lost return to Him.
He rejoices when we rejoice.

When I feel down... Discouraged...

Absolutely broken and bleeding...

When all I feel like doing is just lying on my bed and dying...

Seeing your smile just makes me want to get up and go again.

I love it when people smile. I love it when people are happy.

I guess that is what spurs me on.

I know I still have many things to deal with... And sometimes I can't get over hurts, especially recent ones...

But I just... I really thank God that... I am able to bring smiles to the faces of some people... (Especially because I'm not that funny... Haha.)

And... You know... If you feel down... I'm probably more willing to talk to you than study for exams. Honestly.

So... All the best to all who're having exams right now...

And...
Always remember that someone loves you. :)

[Smile for me please?]

Strong at the Broken Places.

2005-11-08T14:12:00.000+11:00

Wow... Just had an amazing revelation...

You know, God's grace can really touch anyone and anywhere...

I was just sitting here, in the Swanston Street Computer Lab when something just popped up in my head...

And I think that the past few days were just in preparation for this moment...

We appreciate the beauty of things so much more when we've just been through a difficult period of time? And to think that this was all part of a plan in the growth of my maturity... It just blows me away.

This word just suddenly came into my mind as I was surfing the net :

��..My Grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made perfect in weakness.�� -2nd Corinthians 12:9

You know the feeling of being so imperfect? So broken... So pathetic in everyone�� eyes.
And when you feel as though you can never forgive yourself, and you can never be of use... That you��l never amount to anything in this world...

Take heart, for He will heal you and touch you...

His empowering touch is just so amazing...

Sometimes, you listen to the testimonies of other people about how they��e become from a nobody into a HUGE somebody through God�� empowerment...

And you go... ��eah, that�� cool. Wish it could happen to me. Probably never will though, ��ause God wouldn�� choose me.��
How very wrong you can be...

We��e all here for a purpose, and I am so sure that He has a purpose for all on this earth...

No matter how great, or how small your life impacts this world...

At least know that you CAN make a difference...

Some people who come to me for advice... Though I greatly appreciate the confidence you have in my ��dvisory skills��(of which I have none), I really don�� have all the answers you need or want...

I can try to help, but in the end there�� only one person who can ever give you perfect advice, an unbiased opinion and who can help you make the right choice...

To all my non-Christian friends who��e reading this, I�� not pointing the finger yea? I mean... It is your choice what you believe in...

I just hope that I can bless you with the powerful insights that I��e gained from just hearing the words of some of the most beautiful people in the world...
Not beautiful because of their appearances (although they are beautiful in that way too), but beautiful inside...

Truthfully, the world would never consider them of any importance... But to me, they represent something in this world which can never be replaced by anything else...

And you know, I��e only been here in Melbourne for what... 8 months? Yet I feel as though I��e made relationships and friendships which will last me a lifetime.

And you know what... I love all of them... I love all the people I��e met here... I love all the people back in Singapore...

I��e asked this question before? Like... ��hy do you love me?��
And it�� taken me so long... 8 months, to realise... That the answer... Which was given to me, and I now give to you...

Is...

I love you...

Just Because.

That�� it.

I love you just because you are you.

Don�� try to put up a fa巽ade or a mask around people because you��e afraid of what people would think of what you really are...

I know many of you would be saying... ��hhhh, if ONLY you know what I��e done... If only you know what I am...��
Trust me, been there done that.

I may not know everything that you��e done, or whatever you believe yourself to be?

But... The past is the past.

Just let it all go.

Honestly, this post is for my own benefit as much as I hope it is for others...

It�� about letting go. Believing in other people... Having faith.

He makes us strong at the broken places...

I know that optimism is a difficult thing... And there are scars we always feel as though we��e carrying...

It�� difficult to let go at times, because we become familiar with the pain? With carrying these things...
But I tell you...

The true test of character is if you��e willing to let go... And just take that leap of faith?

Endurance takes sacrifice, but it gives back life itself.
Endurance requires pain, but it returns strength to go on.

When you feel broken... Always remember that a rope which has been broken, once re-tied and strengthened, will never break at that place again...

Life is full of pains, that is true...

But after you��e been through all those pains... Imagine how strong you�� have become...

Because we become strong at the broken place...

And we can pick ourselves up, endure anything.... Just because we know that someone loves us... Someone cares... Someone knows how we feel...

Just because someone is always there.

I can�� promise that I will always be there to answer your phone call...
I can�� promise that I will always know when you��e hurting...
I can�� promise that I will always be able to help...
I can�� promise that I will always be smiling...
I can�� promise that I will always be able to make you laugh...

I can�� promise you these things... Because I am imperfect as well... I�� human.

But I can promise you... That if... You know God... Or you ever make the devotion to follow Christ...

He will never push you into telling Him, but He knows it all already.
He will never leave you unless you tell Him to.
He will Love you with the perfect Love that only He can give because he made it in the first place.
He will always be smiling, because knowing that you��e returned to Him is the most wonderful thing that He takes joy in.
He will always be able to make you laugh, because He was the one who made humour in the first place.

I can move on from all the bad things in my life... From all the bad things I��e done... Only due to one simple fact...

There is no condemnation... in those who Love Christ...

Because He took it all upon His own shoulders...

At Calvary.

That is why I can love...
That is why I can smile...
That is why I can laugh...
That is why I can live.

He Loved me... Just Because...

And He Loves you too...

And to all the people I know,

I can truly, honestly say that I love every single one of you...

Just because.

He strengthens me where I am broken...
I am made whole in His presence.

I may break again... And I may become depressed or down at times...

But I know that there is always someone there to pick me up and push me forward...

That is why I still can smile.

Just because He loved me.

Haha, I know that this post is really long and quite confusing...
But I just felt as though I had to say all of this... So... Yeah. ^_^

Till next time then!

[Redeemed and Healed.]

Slipping beneath...

2005-11-06T21:47:00.000+11:00

I just feel like I'm drowning... Going through a moment in time where nothing seems to make sense... And I might not even WANT it to make sense...

I'm confused as to what I should do.

I'm confused as to what I even want in life...

I'm just so damn confused....

I hate you... Yet I love you...

I love to be with you... Yet you make me feel so damn pathetic...

I've been hurt so many times by you... Yet I care... and I want you to care in return...

Whenever I feel as though we've grown closer... You just seem to push me away again...

You constantly ask me to open up to you... Yet you have never once opened up to me...

You ask me to confide in you, yet you never return the confidence...

What is wrong with our relationship? I don't understand you at all...

I'm frustrated and confused and... ARGH!!!

What the hell is going on!?

Just... Angry and frustrated at times...

Can't the world just stop spinning for once?

I hate you...
Yet I care...

But you...

Don't seem to care at all.

[When will you see?!]

Wha?...

2005-11-05T21:48:00.000+11:00

It's been a wierd time...

Honestly wierd.

I can't understand these feelings I have... And I honestly don't know what to make out of it.

So I guess I better just hang on and find out what hey?

I'm so conflicted lately...

And I don't know what to do, or how I should act.

What to do when you've met your match?

I'm lost...
I don't know what to do...
But you don't even care...

I'm just...

Heavily Broken.

[Why do I always feel so inferior compared to you?]

ARGH!!!!

2005-11-03T22:21:00.000+11:00

What the hell is happening to me?

[Stay away before I hurt you too...]

Crazy?

2005-10-31T21:37:00.000+11:00

Been out a lot lately.... Which is good I guess, since I don't really do anything of use at home...

I've been acting really wierd today, I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing honestly.... Just.... Sudden hyperness followed by a period of silence and tiredness.... It's so odd.

Haha... I've had an interesting day though.

Late-Night Lameness...

Sleeping in a restaurant...

Eating half a KG or so of gummies...

Walking around / Dragging myself around in the heat...

Sitting in a craft shop and sleeping in front of the rows and rows of cans of spray paint...

And many many more things in just less than 24 hours...

I feel so wierd right now. Don't know how I feel?

I feel tired, yet happy.
Frustrated, yet at peace.
Sleepy, yet awake.
Confused, yet intrigued.
I feel as though I'm being rude, yet I don't know how to act...

Today is just a day of oxymorons I think...

Sigh... So full... Stuffed full of food ^_^;;

Anyway, that's all my rant for today.

Ja.

[Why do you seem so far away?]

Out for the count.

2005-10-29T13:27:00.000+10:00

I'm so tired.... My brain can barely form coherent thoughts at the moment.... Just... Drained really.

Mamak Night... Interesting to say the least...

Hopefully, all you guys who came had fun. Sorry I really couldn't check up on each and everyone of you because I was.... Running around a lot...

My arms are just dead right now.... I'm just flat out on the table typing slowly with my fingers....

I could barely get out of bed this morning.... Aching everywhere.

Sigh....

Anyway, it was KJ's 18th Birthday yesterday... Happy Birthday!! :)

Aye.... Just too tired right now to say much.... But... Yeah...

So.... Tired. That's all I can say right now.

Tired and weary.

[I'd give anything to be able to hug you once more.]

Mwa.

2005-10-26T17:36:00.000+10:00

Anyway.... I'm back.

Yeah, decided to come back... Due to a couple of reasons...

Well, life has been a real rollercoaster ride... With huge downs.... Sky-rocketing ups and just lots of adrenaline rushing everywhere...

Time seems to pass so much more slowly here..... In that, it feels as though I've known the people here in Melbourne for 5 years rather than just 5 months.

Lots of things have been happening...

Late night boredom...
Spring Concert...
DNA Encounter Weekend...
Baptisms...
Drama preparations...

Pain...
Hurt...
Joy...
Fulfillment...

Peace...

This month has been a total... Overwhelming of sensations. Overloading of emotions...

It's been a real crazy time really...

Full of laughter... tears...
Breaking of relationships... Forming of new ones...

My gosh...

It's just been so mad.

And it promises to get even crazier.

I can't promise to blog regularly, and I doubt I'll blog about anything too personal.

But...

I'm back. :)

[Smile for me?]

Bye.

2005-10-07T18:29:00.000+10:00

I've decided to stop blogging for an indefinite period of time.

Thanks to those who read my blog and I hope you've gotten something out of it.

So... See you.

Remember to Breathe...

2005-10-03T23:00:00.000+10:00

Sigh... First day of the new school term.

The most tiring, frustrating and upsetting day I've had in ages.

This term promises to be the most challenging... Not in terms of education or whatever, but everything that has been piling up gradually over the year has suddenly exploded in a torrent of... negative energies.

Then again, challenges are meant to be met.

Just have to keep on reminding myself not to judge people, situations... Not to speak before thinking... Not to keep on tearing people down...

It's so easy to do all those things without even realising... I hate that attribute about myself... I seriously do.

I don't like hurting people or getting on people's bad side.

Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

I wouldn't like it if they judged me, my situation... If they spoke without thinking and thus hurt my feelings... Or worse, if they just tore me down every opportunity they had.

You are a child of God.

And I feel as though people need to stop tearing themselves down...
Guys, even though it is (so-called) "crunch time", that doesn't mean the end of the world. There is still someone looking out for you always... and just because there are people better, that doesn't make you any less of a person. We're all unique. Special. Individually crafted to be beautiful beings on this earth.

He is the Light of the World.

Believe in Him... Walk in His ways... Seek after Him... and He will never lead you astray. He will drive away the darkness and fill your life with Light and Peace...

I tell you, inner peace and the mentality that you can do it are the two most important things in being able to work/study well for your exams...

Don't stress over it... Do your best, and God will do the rest.

Study hard, yes... But not to the extent that you burn yourself out... Or you don't go for Church anymore... There is no valid reason to go on a Church hiatus...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

He has the Breath of Life... He is the only one who can refill and refresh you...

He is God of all. The Creator of the Heavens and the earth, the Alpha and Omega... The Beginning and the End.

No matter how things may seem... It's all in His hands...

He has great and glorious plans for you... Plans for you to prosper... For you to suceed.

Whatever He does, whatever happens in your life happens for a reason. He knows what is best for you and that will all come to pass, just as our earthly parents do what they believe to be best for us.

Don't be too quick to discount the possibility of something greater.

I think that's something we all have to learn.

[The Power in His Blood.]

Yo.

2005-10-02T00:01:00.000+10:00

Just a few shout outs I felt I had to do... No idea why, but just felt as though I had to...

Lately I've been going through some stuffs... and I'm so glad to have met wonderful people right here in Melbourne...

Especially to all those whom I've been hanging out with since the holidays started like Sarah-Anne, Mei Ling, Stella, Bonnie and Shauna... You guys have been great... Seriously, I feel so much more plugged into this family at City Church because of you guys!! Thank you thank you thank you!!! Thanks for all the advice and prayers you guys have offered to me... I really do feel so loved because of it.

Also, a big thanks to Jono Ong, Juni and Christine... (I just realised you all have the same last name...) For being willing to come out for a dinner with my Mum... Thanks for caring... [Oh, and I loved the truffles... They are so good...] (Yes, past tense because I finished most of it... Haha... I'm such a pig... But a pretty pig... Err.... Nevermind :) )

And lastly, everyone else whom I know from City Church! Ever since I've started going till now, I really feel so different... Just changed, renewed really...

You guys have been so awesome in just helping me in so many different ways...

And I want to honour you guys for just being there...

I know that I didn't exactly start of on the right track with some of you guys... and I know that I've said things which have hurt or angered or irritated certain people...

I'd like to apologise for anything I've said to made you upset in any way... But I just want to let you know that I'm different now...

Yes, I've made mistakes and I will make mistakes in the future...

But I'm going to keep on trying to live the life I'm supposed to live.

I may not seem different... but I FEEL so different now than at the beginning of the holidays. Soo much more different.

It's amazing really... Truly amazing.

[Change begins from within.]

Tick Tock~

2005-10-01T16:13:00.000+10:00

It's time.

[I'll never be the same again.]

Ever wondered?

2005-09-29T19:28:00.000+10:00

Have you ever wondered why something happened?

May it be good... bad... Horrible or just fantastic?

I guess we often ask ourselves why do bad things happen even though we have God watching over us... And many non-Christians always ask that question too...

"If your God is soo great... Why are you in this stupid situation?"

... in a really sarcastic tone.

Well... Lately, I've been struggling with situations that I feel as though is my responsibility and just realised something.

You know, God has a great and wonderful plan for all of us.

Some things may happen which you feel is total crap and that life is just dishing out yet another plate of bullshit onto your already spastic and short-lived time on this dratted piece of rock floating in space. (Long sentence hey?)

But let me put it this way...

90% of the people I know who have gone through these kind of terrible and traumatising events have come out stronger. They are so much more able to deal with other stresses and even tougher situations.

They continue growing and growing and growing and growing and in turn are able to help other people go through the situations that they've made it out of.

Did that make sense? Haha...

Things happen. Good. Bad.

Things happen that begin or are part of the chain of events known as your life...

It doesn't matter how that chain began, or the things that happen during that chain... All that matters is how that chain ends.

No one really remembers Thomas Edison as this hyperactive youngster who would have been deemed mentally unstable and considered to have attention deficit syndrome. He had an unusual appearance like children with Downs' syndrome and probably everyone would have laughed at him. He had to be home-schooled because teachers refused to tutor him. He had barely any friends. He was partially deaf and became totally deaf at the age of 14. At 16 years of age, his mother became insane and his father lost his job.

All this is true... Yet did any of you reading this know that?
(Okay, if you do... I admire your interest in Thomas Edison and if any of this information is wrong, don't kill me. I make mistakes too you know.)

But they remember him as the man who made 1093 new inventions, more responsible than any one else for creating the modern world. No one did more to shape the physical character of our present day civilization.

Yet, what made him who he was? What made him the person that he had became in the end?

It was the bad things. The bad things in his life that was already full of crap that enabled him to have the perseverance to make it through the 3000++ failed experiments at making the light bulb... The years and years it took for him to discover how to convert oil into electricity.

What made him different from others? He was so disadvantaged as compared to others...

What set him apart?

His attitude.

You know, some things may happen which just darken your entire day... Some things may have been said which hurt. Some things may have been done that you just want to lash back...

But just think about this...

Did Jesus die on the cross just for you to live your life as a pessimist?

Or did He die on the cross for you to live an abundant, exceeding and beautiful life so that you may influence others?

Our attitude is our choice.

I know of so many people who say that it is impossible to be optimistic in their circumstance...

Heck, if the people in Africa can be optimistic about their lives... Why can't you? I mean... C'mon... Have you heard of suicide in those countries? If they don't give up, what other reason have you?

What do you choose today?

Negative / Positive

Hate / Love

Anger / Peace

Nothing / Life

Your day is what you make of it.
There are only 365 days in a year.
80 years in a lifetime. (If you're lucky...)

Are you going to change your life today by being optimistic?

Or live in a hole of self-pity and never do anything about it.

I guess this does apply a lot to me too... But...

If you hate your life, do something about it... because... you're the only one who can.

[Life or death?]

Why?

2005-09-23T20:22:00.000+10:00

Jesus took my place on the cross...

��宴��減篋��絖��...��
He died for each and everyone of us...

筝坂��
All For Love.

[Teach me how to love as You do.]

Leave me be?

2005-09-19T23:08:00.000+10:00

Mmmm I think I need some private time to myself right now... So I'm going to stop blogging for an indefinite period of time.

Lately, there have been some things going on in my head which I don't really want people to know about... Decided to just stop spilling my thoughts out onto the net where it's open to everyone who has a computer and an internet connection.

Some things have also been happening recently which I can't really make out? And I need some time to think it through so that I do not jump to conclusions or fill myself with fake hope. It might just make things more painful when I fall...
*If you think I'm talking about you, then you're mistaken. I'm over with what you've done, and I seriously am not thinking about them anymore. I'm moving on from that time.*

I might just post now and again some verses or a song or maybe a revelation I've had, but I doubt I'll be posting anymore personal thoughts.

It's time for me to carry out the promises I've made to myself. I know it sounds selfish, but I don't really think many people read my blog anyhow...

Yupp...

N.W.B.D.

N.O.V. & N.O.W.

Don't blame the messenger.

[What did you do that for?]

Sigh...

2005-09-18T19:08:00.000+10:00

Three days in one post.

Curry night.

Stressed.

Tired.

Fulfillment.

Sharing after dinner.

Walking back in the cold.

Sleeping on a bean bag.

Waking for Paragon breakfast.

Playing basketball.

Cleaning house.

Saturday night service.

Shock.

Late night icecream and strawberries

Moon-watching.

Conversation.

Peace, joy and love.

Waking up at 5am.

Mother's visitation.

Nagging.

Frustration.

Confusion.

Church at 2pm.

Talk before service.

Sunday 3.45pm service.

Awesome words.

Consideration of staying on...

You laid aside Your Majesty...
Gave up everything for me.
Suffered at the hands,
Of those You had created.

The moon is beautiful tonight.

Thinking about what Ps. Neil Smith said today.

So very true.

Wish I could've stayed for the 2nd service.

Decided not to irritate my Mum too much.

Walked home.

Underneath the full moon.

Wishing...

Tears?

You took all the guilt and shame,
When You died and rose again.
Now today You reign,
and heaven and earth exalt you.

Hoping for time to spend with friends.

Hoping for circumstances to allow for stronger friendships.

Hoping to sit at the playground again.

Hoping to watch the night sky together.

Hoping to talk in the cafe.

Hoping to laugh on the phone.

Hoping to never lose the smile.

I really want to worship You my Lord.
You have won my heart and I am Yours.
Forever and ever...
I will love You.

Realisation of certain things.

Frustration of others.

Disappointment at myself.

Anger at the circumstances.

Joy.

You are the only one who died for me,
Gave Your life to set me free.
So I lift my voice to You,
In adoration.

Praying for a miracle.

Praying for wisdom.

Praying for inner peace.

Praying for the ability to love...

Praying for the strength to face my fears...

Praying for the courage to not shed tears...

Praying to let it all go.

[Would you pray for me?]

o_o

2005-09-17T17:26:00.000+10:00

I know!!! I shouldn't be blogging... But I just felt as though I had to...

Life in Melbourne has been a pretty amazing journey so far... I mean... I've changed so much... And because my Mum is coming over tomorrow... I felt I had to just let this all out to you people out there!

I know I use this sentence a lot... but if you told me in February that I'd be this loud, open and happy as I am here, I'd have laughed my arse off.

Seriously, I could never have imagined how much happier I am now... and how much more open I am. I mean... I'm not THAT open yet, but compared to my old self... Definitely a huge improvement... or difference.

I look forward to going to Church now... That is practically the only thing that keeps me going in my entire week, Church or meeting people from Church. I'm so... My gosh... Words can't explain it, seriously.

You know, I kind of understand certain things now... and why I am the way I am... I realise that there's something special about being unique, even though I used to despise the idea of being different.

I guess I've learned to like myself a little more now... Really, it's just such a change?

I know that some (or most) of the people I know can't see a difference? But I definitely feeling deep within myself...

I just want to say thank you to the people who've made my life here in Melbourne such a blessing... and I love you guys to bits!!! I really do!

Especially out to the people from PlanetShakers City Church, people from my current Urban Life such as Meiling, Sanne, Bonnie, Maureen, Juni, SueLynn and many others. Those whom I've know from my old urban life such as Eelin, Christine, Joey, Pei Jet, Brodie, Aaron and also many others. Those whom I know from Church, such as Ben, Tricia, Joanne, Trilli and ALSO MANY OTHERS!!! If you're name isn't down, I'M REALLY SORRY!! But I'm seriously rushed for time (need to rush off in like 2 seconds) and I either can't remember how to spell your name or I'm just lazy to type it out ^_^;; Sorry!

Anyway... I just want to say I love you all. I really really do!

Hopefully, one day we can do all the things that we promised we would do hey?

After all... We're family. :)

[Thank you for being there.]

mwa-

2005-09-10T10:52:00.000+10:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANNEY!!!!

One year older hey?? Heee!!! 18 already man!! See... I blog just for you kay!!

I may not have known you for a long time, but I think you're an awesome person!! And you can do anything alright? Our God is the God of the impossible!! Heeee :D

Well, if you ever want to talk or go out or do anything, feel free to give me a call kay?

Anyhow... I should go try and do some work... Exams on Monday!!! AHHH!!!!

Ja!

[Refreshing...]

You heard my Cry!

2005-09-08T17:52:00.000+10:00

Wow... This has been... An amazing week so far.

All the way, from the start till now... I've had something to look forward to every single day...

So amazing... It really is such an uplifting feeling to say... "Oh hey! There's a reason why I want to wake up today! There's a reason why I want to get out of bed!"

You know... It's just so... Crazy. I mean I don't look forward to my day because of school (Duh?), I don't look forward to my day because I get to speak to so-and-so or meet so-and-so... Although it is a wonderful thing to see a few friendly faces.

I'm just looking forward to being able to do something... for the One and Only.

Lord, I remember that You called us to be the salt and the light of the earth, and thus we cannot remain as part of this world... We have to be different from others. We have to be who You aspire for us to be.

I pray for Your light to shine onto the lives of my friends through me.

I pray for the day when people will just stop and ask me, "Hey... You've changed so much! What happened to you? What have you been eating/drinking/taking? I want it too!"

I pray that I can have the courage to be the 'one' who lives for You.

I just got back my Chemistry Presentation Marks today... And I was astounded...

The night before my Presentation... I got really sick. Seriously seriously sick... I couldn't move an inch away from "a certain place" because I was throwing up my breakfast, lunch and dinner of three days.

As a result, I only managed to get into my tutorial about an hour late... My tutorial runs for about one and a half hours, and my tutor actually let me present...

My presentation wasn't as good as I planned it to be? But it was so much better than I expected given my condition at the time... So I thought... Okay, maybe a pass? 7 or 7.5 out of 10 maybe?

Well... Here's news for some people out there... God is an amazing, exceeding and abundant God.

He really is.

I want to live for You Lord Jesus...
Only for You.

I've decided to work hard from now on...
This whole year I've always had this, "If I get it, I get it lor." Kind of attitude? And I realise it must stop.

I don't want to settle for anything less than what God has planned for me.

Seriously... I will do my very best... If I don't get into that particular course, perhaps it is God's will. But if He does want me to get into that course, and I don't... Then that ain't too good.

Going to try as hard as I can anyway.

Oh, and I may not be blogging as often from now on due to certain private reasons... So don't worry, I'm not dead yet... Although I think some of you wish I were.

JUST KIDDING!!! ^_^;;

Ja matta ne!

[I want to spend eternity with you!]

Whoa...

2005-09-07T23:36:00.000+10:00

Life is such a roller-coaster ride.

[Smile for me?]

Only One

2005-09-04T22:13:00.001+10:00

So full... My gosh...

I'm sick... Got stuck with this cold which is turning to a pretty serious flu... Gah!!

You know... I've been pretty down this whole past month... Seriously... Felt as though I was running on empty?...

Anyway, I went to take some medication... So I had to eat something before I could take this pill right? So my bro tells me to finish the leftovers from last night...

And BOY was it a lot of leftovers...

So now... I'm totally bloated... My gosh...

I'm seriously going to gain heaps of weight... I'm fat enough already mate!!

Heehee... But...

Today was an awesome day.

A really awesome day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~��~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Youth Alive yesterday was pretty all right... Too bad I didn't get a floor ticket though. But hey, no worries :)

Today though... Church was just mind-blowing.

Mind-blowing I tell you.

I'm so inspired... So touched... I'm just amazed.

The words just went straight into my heart... Straight into my soul... I tell you, it was incredible.

It felt as though God was just encouraging me onward... Encouraging me to keep on pushing and pushing and pushing...

He encourages me in so many ways which I have never even thought of... Through people, through blessings and through the worship even...

It's just so... Amazing.

The word today was by Allen Davies (Spelling?) and... Whoa. Blew me away. Haha...

Yea... Awesome day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~��~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lord... Thank You for loving me so much... Thank You that I can call You Father! Thank You for all the blessings You've poured unto my life...

I know I haven't always been faithful... and often I lose my trust in You... I turn away so many times, but when I cry Your name... You find me once again.

You've never given up on me... No matter how much others have.

You've never stopped loving me... Although I am not worthy of Your love.

You've blessed me with so many things...

Lord... Please help me. Help me to have the discipline to study for my exams.

I want to be able to do well for You lord... Although I'm such a slacker and not very intelligent, You still love me and gave me the opportunity to come to Melbourne.

Lord, I see now that this was Your wonderful plan from the beginning lord...

I see the opportunity that You've presented to me lord.

I pray that You'll help me grab this opportunity.

I pray for Your guidance everyday.

I pray for Your loving kindness.

I pray for Your grace and mercy.

Lord, help me to be the one who is willing to go all out for You... The one who is willing to risk everything to see Your kingdom here on earth.

I pray that You'll help me be a blessing...

I pray that You'll help me through it all.

Because You're the only one.

You are my only one
And there is no one like you
You are my only... my only one
My only one...

[Thank you for filling me again tonight.]

Pain.Hurt.You.

2005-09-02T23:19:00.000+10:00

Here was this picture of me... Laughing and talking without a care in the world.
Joking about my future. Truly smiling... Enjoying the company of people I loved.

Why has it changed? Why?

I'm so hurt... So broken all of a sudden.

Nothing seems to be able to help me... I don't think I can make it out of this situation unchanged...

I already am changing. I can no longer smile like I used to.

What is happening to me?

Spent the entire week watching people's dramas... They're all so good... Really. I think that there are so many talented people out there who really have what it takes to be an amazing actor/actress... Seriously.

Been eating and spending way too much lately... Being really lazy as well.

Not studying at all. Why? Because I can't seem to get my mindset into 'study mode'.

Not that it matters anyway. I'm just going to go back to Singapore, waste another 2-3 years going to JC/Poly...

Not like I can make it in this world.

I feel so useless and stupid.

I don't understand why I feel this way...

Could it be because of you?
Why didn't you pick me up like you promised you would? You told me that you weren't like the others who I've met before... You promised to love me and care for me...

You promised to be my friend.

Now all I have are your broken promises.

What use are they to me? They just remind me of how much I've fallen.

How much longer must I fall before I hit the dirt?

[Fallen.]

Lost Cause.

2005-09-01T19:41:00.000+10:00

You are exactly the same as the people you despise.

You are exactly who you said you were not.

Your promises were empty.

Your friendship false.

Your love a sham.

I was a fool to have ever trusted you.

[I tire of breathing.]

What have I done?

2005-08-30T19:10:00.000+10:00

Drama is over...

I kind of enjoyed myself today... During drama that is....

It was so... Funny... Haha... I really did enjoy performing...

Still think I could've done better though... Sigh...

Well, now that is over, I just have exams to worry about... But since when has Stephanie Tan ever worried about exams? She just fails them right? Haha...

So true!

I just realised I've been eating so much good food lately...

Spanish banquet on Sunday... Which was a total pig-out session for me because I kind of like Spanish food... Haha...

Garlic Fried Rice on Monday... Which means I never know when to stop because I just can't get enough of it...

And my brother cooked for me Rogan Josh today!!! With Saffron rice and Papadums... Oh my gosh I've become such a pig.

Seriously, I've gained like 2kgs since Sunday... Which is REALLY sad...

Because I'm already so obese man... Sobs.

I'm debating to go for Urban Life tonight. I want to... But not sure if I should.

Geh, I hate feeling so damn conflicted.

Thank You For Loving Me.

[What Did I Do To Deserve You?]

...

2005-08-29T22:16:00.000+10:00

Just got back from drama... Well, I had dinner before I came back... But anyway...

I'm really worried about drama. My group mates are like really good, and I feel as though I'm not putting in enough effort for the drama.

We all want to do well, but I'm really scared that I'll just pull them down?

Yea... Just an overall feeling of exhaustion + sadness + frustration. It could probably just be due to the fact that I'm such a pig-ass pea-brained idiot. Oh, I forgot fat. Pig-ass pea-brained FAT idiot am I....

Sigh....

Yea... I think I've finally figured out a couple of things today...

Now that I've finally confirmed / figured it all out... I just feel kind of empty and numb. I'm just numb to it all. And I don't want to talk about it because I know if I do I'll just feel again. I'll feel all the pain over again.

It's like I've taken painkillers and I can't stop taking them although I know they're bad for me... Because I don't want to feel.

Do I really want to feel?

I wish that I could feel certain things again...
I wish I could love people that I can't love right now.
I wish I could help people who I know need help.
I wish I could just sleep... A sleep without nightmares.

But when I don't dream... When I don't wake up crying and screaming... I'm afraid...

Could it be I've grown so accustomed to it that I accept it to be part of my life?

Isn't that the same with the way I've grown accustomed to so many other things?

The way I've grown accustomed to keeping everything in.
The way I've grown accustomed to acting every single day.
The way I've grown accustomed to smiling even when I don't want to.
The way I've grown accustomed to saying, "It's all good."
The way I've grown accustomed to accepting criticisms.
The way I've grown accustomed to being treated like garbage.
The way I've grown accustomed to being unable to sleep.
The way I've grown accustomed to being alone.

I guess I haven't changed that much since I've come to Melbourne. I'm still the same with just a few more frustrations to add to the list... With a few more experiences. A few more burdens... More pain.

I wonder when it will end.

When will it all end?

For all notice the rose,
but none the thorns...

Till it stings.

[When will the lies end?]

Zzzzzz....

2005-08-28T02:05:00.000+10:00

Church today (or yesterday rather) was totally awesome... It was... So good... Haha.

Unfortunately, I was kind of tired to really appreciate it... Just so... Tired.

About two weeks of being unable to sleep well at night...

It isn't really a problem just as yet... Because I can still wake up and I'm still able to form coherent thoughts...

Still... I feel as though I can never be truly awake?

Anyway, I just got home not too long ago... Plus my eyes are like... =.= already... Haiz... But when I lie down on my bed it takes me an hour++ to actually fall asleep... Scary hor?

I find it quite scary... Because I don't know if I'm asleep or awake sometimes... Which is quite unsettling... If you've experienced it before, you'll understand what I mean.

It's time to clean out my life, clean out my heart, clean out my mind and just start fresh. It's like closing my old journal and chucking it out... Turning a new page in my shiny new journal which is filled with...

Missing two people so much right now. I wish that I could just hug you two like crazy... Although we aren't really friends / close anymore, I still consider the two of you to be of the highest inspiration to me!!!

Haha, their identities shall remain secret for now... Who could they be?! I bet no one knows! :)

Really want to apologise to some people though... I've been going through a confusing and unsettling time lately, and thus I've purposely distanced myself from everyone, especially in school.

I know some people may think that I'm avoiding them or I really hate them, but that isn't true kay? Trust me, I haven't only been acting cold to you. I've been totally icy to practically everyone in school...

If I haven't been icy to you, it's probably because I don't see you very often. Haha...

I guess part of my icyness is due to the way I interpret people's reaction? Don't ask me to explain it to you because I'm not really sure myself... Haha...

I'm pretty confused over a lot of things right now... Yea...

Anyway, I think I've said enough :)

See you all!

[Why did you lie when you said you loved me?]

Sick?

2005-08-26T00:11:00.000+10:00

Sigh...

I've been feeling sick the entire day... Just so so sick...

I don't know if I'm sick in body, mind or spirit... This terrible overall feeling...

I felt as though something was missing today, and I have a suspicion of what it is.

I'm so tired, yet I want to keep on trying... But will it matter? Will anything I do matter? Should I just let go and let God do everything? Let Him solve all my problems?

Then again, this feels so trivial compared to those of others... I know I should rely on Him, for I am nothing without Him...

But this situation isn't life threathening... Its just something I pray to occur... That everything will be back to the way it was before this entire business happened.

I sometimes wish that none of this had ever happened. I sometimes wish I had never met you. Maybe things would've been better that way...

But I have...

I used to be able to tell you everything. But now I feel awkward around you.
I used to be able to hug you. But now I fear you won't hug back.

I still love you, as a friend, as family... But I don't understand why things can't be the way they were. I really don't see why...

I'm not depressed, don't worry... I'm just missing you.

Don't worry, I'm not desperate for us to be true friends again... I just miss being around you.

I doubt you feel the same... But we're two almost polar opposites... Interesting thought isn't it?

I know that you're probably busy now... and I know that I'm really irritating...

You don't have to reply to this message if you do read this...
Because I just needed to let this all out...

But, you were the closest thing I ever had...
To a true friend here, in this world.

You have this aura about you that just draws people to you... I know I sound corny, but hey... I am pretty mushy don't you think? Haha...

Anyway... All the best for your future.

If we never become friends again, or if we never talk again...
Just remember that I still love and care for you...
And I'm always praying for you...
But I know that God has such a wonderous and glorious plan for you.
I know that He'll bless you always...

In any case, take care.

[I never had any hidden agenda.]

Useless tears.

2005-08-24T19:45:00.000+10:00

I just feel like sleeping right now... Sleeping and exploding.

Just ate so much... But I have to finish this food by tonight or else my brother is going to scold me for wasting it...

Which means I'm probably going to eat supper.

Planning to not sleep again tonight, because I need to finish my chemistry presentation... And also at least read a bit of Gogol...

I think I'm just going to drift through today/tonight aimlessly... Because I really can't think...

If I start thinking, I'll just return back to a certain topic which'll make me want to scream and... Do stupid things.

I don't want to be this way... I don't know why I'm suddenly so down just because of a stupid 5 minute phone call...

I really really hate this.... And nothing seems to help.

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me... I feel so... messed up.

I wish I could just sleep... And not have to worry about school the next day...

I wish you were right here with me, laughing at some stupid lame joke which isn't funny at all...

I wish for so many things...

I pray that the Lord will be with you always, and He will care for you the way no one else can.

I pray that this burden be lifted off my shoulders, so that I may soar on eagles' wings...

I pray that my work will be finished.

My assignments will be done.

And my job complete.

So that I may rest in the house of the Lord forever...

[Help me...]

@#&$

2005-08-24T15:54:00.000+10:00

Just got off the phone with my Mother...

I can't believe one 5 minute conversation with her has turned my wonderful mood into shit.

I'm so angry.... Yet confused and frustrated.

She wants me to go back to Singapore for a week during my September holidays right? Which I told her I didn't feel like doing. Then she asked me why.

Why don't I want to go back?

Truthfully, as I was thinking about my reasons for staying in Melbourne and about the friends I have here... I thought to myself, "I don't really hang out with many people anyway... No difference if I stayed or went right?"

Then I just couldn't stop thinking about why I was stuck in this situation in the first place...

And thinking causes me to become slightly frustrated...

Then, she was like, "I don't want to talk to you when you're in such a bad mood. I'll call later. Bye."

What the hell? I'm in a bad mood just because I don't see things the way you see things?? How the hell does that equation work?

I'm just so angry... And some furious typing should help me calm my nerves for a moment.

I hate this current situation... Now that I've thought about it... I hate it so badly. So angry at everyone too...

I'll go blast some music to abate this darned feeling.

I think I need a sedative.

[Who's to blame?]

Everlasting Love!

2005-08-24T01:51:00.000+10:00

Just got off the phone... My ears are so painful man!!! See la, you three crazy people high on coffee!!! All your fault kay!! :P

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty okay right now... Kind of missing a person's company but I know that all my prayers will be answered in God's time hey?

I was just shuffling through some of my notes earlier (shuffling, not studying because I haven't been studying lately... ^_^;;) when a piece of paper slipped out of my file.

It was a card which told me that Jesus loves me, and that He is always there for me... It kind of made me miss that person even more... But I always remind myself that it is all by God's grace.

Today went by in such a rush... I went to get a parcel my Mum sent me three days ago... And it arrived here just yesterday? Which is amazing, because no parcel from Singapore gets delivered in two days... I'm serious. There is just no way. The usual waiting time is AT LEAST two weeks...

Anyway, I open up the parcel and I find this gorgeous (to me anyway) white sweater... And you know what? I needed a white sweater for my drama full dress rehearsal which was today... And I could collect it before my drama because Claudio was ill for my Literature tutorial.

Praise the Lord!!!

Seriously, God has a perfect plan for all of us... Have faith...

Even when things feel as though they'll never work out, everything will.

I have to keep that in mind too... Always :)

Thank You Lord for being with me always...
Thank You for Your Everlasting Love...
Thank You for never letting go...
Thank You for letting my path cross with such an amazing person filled with Your Spirit...
Thank You for showing me True Passion.
Thank You for showing me True Love.
Thank You for my family in Christ.
Thank You Father for Loving me.

Thank You Father...

... For Everything.

I'm on my way Home!

[I Love You So.]

I was lost...

2005-08-22T21:31:00.000+10:00

Wow... Today was... Wow.

I just feel so blessed today? I don't really understand why either. Usual start to the day... Late for class? Slept through all my classes today... Hehe...

Did drama after school... Went home, ate a huge dinner... Same old same old...

But I feel so loved right now... And I really do feel as though I have the encouragement I need to continue living...

My work has been really bad... And all that... Not really making much progress? Despite the amount of effort put in, I still don't really achieve.

However, I feel better than I've felt in a while. Don't think it has anything to do with sugar, adrenaline or coffee...

Blessed. Contented. Loved.

I'm forgiven because You were forsaken...
I'm accepted, You were condemned...
I'm alive and well, Your spirit is within me.
Because You died and rose again.

You know... I was at a friend's place yesterday when I heard part of this sermon from a pastor back in Singapore.

He was speaking about condemnation, about how people condemn themselves and others continually...

It's really true... I just thought about this not too long ago... And I realised that I say so many things which condemn others, as well as myself at times...

He also said that God doesn't condemn us... If God had condemned us, He wouldn't have sent Jesus to wash us clean...

And if God doesn't condemn us, why should we condemn ourselves? What right do we have to condemn others?

It's been a ride. Coming to Australia... A real roller coaster ride.

I've been through crazy emotional loops, and so many heart-breaking or amazing experiences...

But I think coming here was the third best thing I ever did.

The top two shall remain as secrets for now... Heehee ^_^

I've been eating so much lately... I'm glad to have gotten my appetite back although I'm going to lose all the weight I lost!!!

No matter, it's all in God's hands... Haha...

Flipped through my old quotes again... Found this...

Faith Begins Where Worry Ends.

You know, I wrote this when I was in Primary School? The years of my life which I regret the most...

Which makes me wonder why I wrote that... What kind of revelation did I have? Did I just write that out of boredom, of thought?

I can't remember why I wrote it, or when even... But it really reminds me that I cannot just keep on stressing about things.

Just get on with it and do them.

A bit difficult for me to practice because I'm such a procrastinator... Haha, but I will try.

Amazing Love...
How can it be?
That You, my King
Would die for me...

So amazing isn't it... I miss having my old collection of songs back in Singapore... The songs I used to listen to when I was so much younger and untouched by the outside world...

I can never forget this song (the lyrics are those words in italic) because it means so much too me... I remember all the times that this song has spoken to me... All the times that I've sung it...

Amazing Love...
I know its true.
It's my joy to honour You.
In all I do...

I guess I got lost... Lost in the sights and sounds of this world....

I've been lost for so many years of my life...

I honour You.

But I think I'm on my way home.

I want to be back in Your arms again.

Even though You have never let me go.

[But now I'm found.]

Hail....

2005-08-21T23:51:00.000+10:00

Okay.... There's hail over at my place right now... The last time it hailed over here, part of my ceiling fell in... So I have no idea what is going to happen hey?

Got back from the 6pm service not too long ago... Ate so much dinner... Feel so bloated and fat now... Urgh...

Service was good... I think Pastor Russel had like the wrong cereal for breakfast or something? And he kept on doing crazy things which were both amazing and hilarious... The really ironic thing was... He was speaking about FOCUS... And he kept on switching topics... It was really hilarious...

I think it really set me back on track... The past three weeks I've just been drifting so far off the road of sanity and I think the worship today just smacked me back into place?

Yea... But when I got home... I got a call from someone I really did not want to speak to? And the conversation topic did not help my mood... I blew up a little.

Oh, and apparently my parents think I need some guidance and thus my Mother is coming in September... She's going to be around during my holidays.

Why why why!?

Sigh... I can't do anything about it... And I don't want to have to do anything. I really don't have to do anything though... Because its God's will hey?

To someone who should know who he/she is....

I really don't understand what the hell is happening anymore. I don't want to either.

The impression you have of me is totally not what it is, and honestly I'm getting quite tired of trying to show you who I really am.

Seriously, if you don't want to talk to me. I won't bother you okay? When you've gotten past this stage of whatever you are at and you do want to talk to me, feel free to do so. I will welcome that day.

But I think I'm spending too much time working at something which is so obviously futile.

Maybe you mistook my intentions... But all I wanted was to be friends.

You can say I tried too hard or whatever... I don't care. This is the sort of friendships I try to build. This is the way I do things, and I don't think I need your approval about the way I live my life.

I know I'm not the most perfect person, heck I think I'm one of the most imperfect people out there...

That doesn't mean your criticisms don't hurt.

You've hurt me a lot. Despite the short period of time.

You've helped me a lot too... and I am very grateful for it...

But I can't live my life worrying about why someone else is angry/upset/irritated with me... This doesn't apply just to you. So don't worry about me being too dependent.

Also, I don't say empty words. If I say that I will do something, I will do it... And even if I say something online, that doesn't make it any less true.

You know... I realised something today.

I know I've been a really bad person... And I've done so many things which I regret... But I've been washed clean of all my sins... From crimson red to the white of snow...

Yet, for all that I've changed... People still say the same things about me... Sometimes even more. They call me a hypocrite, a hopeless case, a stupid girl, a boisterous tomboy and even a pathetic sotong with no backbone. People still hold prejudices against me. As do I hold prejudices against others... I have to stop caring about what Man says, and I should live my life according to the way Jesus would have lived his.

Realisation that I should do and carry out the following:
I have to focus only on God, on Jesus... I don't have to prove myself to anyone on this earth... I'm just going to live my life in the best way I can... Keeping as close as I can to the light... Trying to be the very best person I can be...

So that when I go to Heaven... I'll hear the words...

Well done, good and Faithful servant.

You have done Me proud.

Well done.

Time to stop chasing empty dreams.
And start following my Saviour.

It is time.

[What would Jesus do?]

Hmmm...

2005-08-19T00:09:00.000+10:00

My body is undergoing this wierd stage at the moment...

I feel sick throughout the entire day... So I don't feel like eating... Then at night... Around this time (12 midnight) or even later like yesterday (2am?) I just have this sudden hunger pangs?

It's crazy... Then after I've eaten... I start to feel sick again... Then my whole air passageway feels clogged up...

I might be on the verge of a breakdown... I tripped over so many times today... And I nearly fell onto my maths lecturer... Eek.

So... I can't be bothered to edit HOI... I just checked the English then printed it.

I don't care about what points I have anymore.... I spent my whole night yesterday on it... I'm not going to waste anymore time on it...

Now on to EAP presentation...

How am I going to present if I lose my voice?

And now I'm getting hunger pangs again... Food... Or not?

Sigh.... My life is so wierd.

Anyway... Urban Life 1000 tomorrow!!! Or today rather...

It's going to be awesome... I just hope I can do all that I'm expected to do...

Going to give it my best, give it my all because that is what my God deserves.

My all and my very best!

Hope I can wake up for lab tomorrow...

Might blog later. Depends on whether I'm sleeping tonight or not... Haha...

[Could you take it all away?]

Asprin please?

2005-08-18T12:56:00.000+10:00

Okay.

I'm officially sick again.

I stayed up the whole night doing HOI... Literally. By the time I finished my first draft... It was time to go to school.

Had a black out last night... Half my original essay disappeared... And I realised that my sources were wrong...

So I have to re-do them tonight...

I have EAP presentation tomorrow... Because it was postponed. And Sara Cameron told me to re-do the entire thing because I did not follow the piece of paper...

Which means... No sleep again tonight.

Just a run-down of my current symptoms:

1) Strong urges to vomit, but unable to. Which makes it so much worse because I can't even get rid of this disgusting feeling.
2) Lost my voice. So I sound like some kind of whispering ghost... Don't know how I'm going to do my presentation.
3) Bad headache. Any sound, any word... Just makes me want to die. It's that painful... I'm not kidding... I'm just... Urgh.
4) Falling asleep while walking. I nearly fell into a ditch and walked into a pole earlier because I blinked and my eyes refused to stay open.
5) Constricted throat... I feel as though I can't breathe sometimes... and I can barely swallow...

I just had a cup of coffee and two painkillers... So I'm somewhat lucid right now... For about 10 minutes maybe...

Sigh... What's up with me man...

It's like... I'm stressed? But I don't really care?

Does that make sense?

Like, I'm slightly twitchy about my HOI essay and EAP presentation... But I can't be bothered to do it?

I think I'm just being lazy...

But I'm so tired...

No worries? Or more worries?

[Why?]

Good... Morning?

2005-08-18T00:26:00.000+10:00

Got back home not too long ago...

I'm so tired... But I must finish HOI by tonight! Promised myself already....

Anyway... Was sifting through some of my old printed stuff when I came across this:

" Wanting to always be part of the 'in' crowd is a major problem. As a Christian, it will keep you from doing the things God tells you to do. Instead of simply obeying Him, it will make you start to wonder, now what will people think of me if i do that? what if i pray over my food at lunch and someone laughs? what if i'm not interested in drinking and partying all night and my friends notice? what about that, God? i won't look too good! If you've ever wondered things like that, let me (gloria copeland) tell you something: It doesn't matter how you look! what really matters is that you obey God. When it comes to obeying God, your own reputation doesn't count...and the sooner you forget it, the better off you'll be. But you know what's surprising? Once you do that, your reputation will get better. It's a funny thing. When you lose that desire to protect your image, your image will improve. Why? Because then when people look at you, instead of seeing that struggling little image you have of yourself, they'll see Jesus' image coming through So put aside that old self-consciousness and develop God-consciousness instead. Stop being ruled by what others say or think and start being moved by faith in what Jesus can do. After all, He has promised He will never leave you or abandon you (Hebrews 13:5). Grab hhold of that. Believe it. Act on it. Once you do, you'll realize there's really nothing to be afraid of anymore!"

It's dated the 31st of May this year... From Christine's blog I think... If I remembered correctly... (I have really bad memory.)

So true... I really place a lot of importance on my image at times? And I just can't get past the fact that I'm often (always) not as blessed in the looks or brains department...

What people say mean a lot to me too... I guess it's kind of the insecurity that I have? Even though I seem quite self-assured at times... It's probably not very true... Haha...

I've been seriously blessed here in Australia... Even though I often don't acknowledge it... I've been blessed with friendships, freedom and pure, simplistic joys...

Occasionally... I think and I came up with this theory:

A friendship is like a beautifully woven tapestry. It has yet to be completed, and the experiences that both have/share add to its vibrant colour and nature...
Each time there are disagreements, a thread is pulled out of that tapestry...
And the bonds which are formed once again become stronger and stronger...

But what happens when the wrong string is pulled?

Will the whole tapestry unravel?

Will the friendship just die?

Or will by some miracle can it be salvaged?

By the act of some divine craftsman.

Is it possible?

Was just thinking about this on the way home... Yea...

I come up with such interesting things don't I? Haha...

So totally random.

I really have to finish HOI essay by tonight. So that tomorrow I can go do the stuff that I have to do...

Urgh.

Tired... But I made coffee... With the last of my milk :(

In need of groceries, allowance and time.

[Forgive me?]

Good evening...

2005-08-16T18:37:00.000+10:00

Whoa... I'm totally wiped...

Stayed up till about 4am last night doing HOI... Tossed in the bed till I finally fell asleep...

Woke up at 8.30am to run to school...

Found out that my drama had so many problems it was basically un-useable...

So tired that I fell asleep during maths tutorial...

Went to EAP to find out that my speech was totally wrong... And it's due on Friday.

And now... I'm just at home... Getting ready to go out to eat dinner with my Aunt... Who by the way... Is a really bad driver...

Seriously... The last time I sat in her car, I was worshipping the toilet bowl for about 2 hours... In other words, I threw up most of my breakfast, lunch and dinner...

I'm so tired right now... And tomorrow I have so many things to do...

1. Do HOI tutorial work and get ready questions for Janusz about my essay.
2. Do Biology assignment preparation because it's tomorrow.
3. Buy Charmaine's birthday present.
4. Buy a jumper.
5. Go for prayer meet at PJ's place.

I'm kind of looking forward to number 4 and 5? But unfortunately, they are both the things I'd have to cancel out first if I can't do everything...

Also, I'm wondering if I should bring my guitar to music group tomorrow... I want to bring it... But I have my biology assignment after that and I'm really afraid someone might steal it...

But in any case... I promised myself to at least try to finish my HOI essay by tonight... Then I have the dinner... Sigh...

Maybe I can't sleep tonight...

I'm really missing five special people right now... And they probably don't even know it's them I'm missing... Sigh...

Life can be so unfair at times hey?

I'll blog about happier things when I come back from dinner... And have had some sleep in the "vehicle of doom" or in other words, my Aunt's car...

Super stressed... Dang...

[Do you miss me too?]

Grow up dude.

2005-08-15T21:37:00.000+10:00

I just found a song... Which is so moving... And really expresses how I feel a lot of the time...

It's called Untitled, by Simple Plan... It's a nice song...

And you know... The history of the song was that they wrote it for a friend they knew in college? Who died of a car accident because of drunken driving... The MTV is really touching too...

It kind of makes one think you know... One single mistake... That is all it takes to change a person's life... Forever...

And often, we cry out, "Why? Why did this have to happen!?" We get so caught up in asking the why that we don't answer the most important question...

How do I live from now on?

Think about it... If you got stuck in the past... How could you live out your future?

I guess I myself really need to so-called "practice what I preach" too... But seriously...

The past has happened. It already has. You can't change that. And you can't change the present either.... The only thing you have the power to change is the future...

Do you want to live for 20 years looking backwards... Then realise that you haven't changed at all. That you have nothing to show for during those 20 years...
That you're still the same...

Some say change is bad... Others say change is good... Whatever. Really.

Do you want to be the same person you were yesterday?

If you do, I applaud you... Because you've chosen to ignore one of the most important things in life...

Growth.

I know I need to grow up... Even though I'm still stuck at the mental age of like... 12... Hehehe....

And I need to stop being so aggressive and obsessive over a lot of things... Plus I need to let go... Just... 'LET GO STEPHANIE TAN SI EN!!!!'

Because I'm just grasping at nothing... Clutching at a fistful of ashes when I should be looking forward.

This is such a self-reflectory post... But hey... Welcome into the mind of an insane girl ^_^

You know... Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result....

Man, I've been insane for 16 years and 9 months... All my life. Haha...

I should have been accepted into that asylum man... I hear the food there is fantastic... Lolz!!

Haiz... I'm just getting a good laugh out of all this... No idea why....

Anyway, it was a pretty good day... Got the soft case for my guitar... Printed a bit of HOI... And I had a chat with a couple of people...

Pretty long chats too... I mean... Woa... Haha.

Still, I feel as though I should've gone to Leeper during my free period... Then agian, its over.

So might as well make the most of what I have now hey?

I miss all my friends back in Singapore so so much... I just want to go back there and give you all BIG CRUSHING HUGS that will leave you incapcitated for a week!!!

Heehee... So good man...

I'm just feeling a little lonely right now... Really need a hug... Haha, should I ask my brother? He'll probably say... "Oi. You're on drugs right? I go tell Mum."

Such a darling (oh my gosh... -Retching noises-) ain't he? Heh...

Anyhow, I should go do HOI... But I want to learn how to play the guitar too!!!

This is my approximate plan for things to learn during my stay in Melbourne:
1. Learn how to play the guitar.
2. Learn how to sing properly.
3. Learn how to play the piano.
4. Learn how to play the drums.
5. Learn how to be a good person and a good friend.
6. Learn how to not be an ass.
7. Learn how to say the right thing.
8. Learn how to lose weight. (Fatty Stephy? NO!!!)
9. Learn how to skateboard. (Yes, I do want to learn...)
10. Learn how to drink and not turn red. (Even after excessive amounts.)

Haha, the top 10 of my super long list.... Which is like 100000000000000 points long....

Not in any particular order though... Because top 10 is always the top 10... Haha, no order...

ANYWAY!!!

FRIDAY NIGHT! 19TH OF AUGUST!!! PARTY/TRIVIA NIGHT/IPOD GIVEAWAY at College Square... I'm selling tickets. Only $$5 each but I might consider paying for you if you can get 4 other people along... So it's like 5 for the price of 4. Good deal or not? Hahaha... So better come kay!?

And to think this was going to be a short post...

Anyway, God Bless you all!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

[I miss the times we shared...]

Smile?

2005-08-14T13:13:00.000+10:00

Thank you... Trish, Joanne and Ben.... Thank you so much for your words of encouragement...

Thank you three for your words even though we're not very well acquainted....

Really look forward to see you all in Church!!!

_________________

You know... I just realised that I often complain about certain situations when I am in fact the cause of those situations... And I have to keep on reminding myself that this would be the best thing for everyone...

I've always been a "loner". In that, I never opened up my life, my heart to anyone on this earth... Seriously.

And it hurts to open up to someone... Then worry that person...

But if I left, it would hurt me so much... Because I've finally learnt to trust... and to end that trust was the most painful thing in my entire life.

Now, I don't know how I should approach certain people.... And I honestly pray that this whole confusing and frustrating situation will be over soon.

How unfortunate that I don't know how I should deal with life... Should I go back to my old ways, stick with my current one or just create a whole new way of living...

It's so... Urgh...

Maybe I should go for emotional management classes...

Entitled: How To Deal When Life Smacks You In The Face?

On a lighter note, I haven't done my HOI, Mal Fletcher is an awesome speaker... And Jazz Club was amazing... I mean... I've loved Jazz for quite a while... Since Secondary 2? But no one I knew liked Jazz... Until I came here... Man... Last night was good...

Except that it was missing one huge piece...

[You.]